Mary Dugrey
by manydreams1216
Summary: Mary Dugrey is caught between two boys with no guidance. Trory told through the eyes of a daughter, slightly AU. COMPLETE
1. The Situation

I don't know how I got here. I am sixteen years old, living in Hartford, Connecticut. Last year I lived in Geneva, Switzerland. Weird. My dad was head of Dugrey Enterprises, the European division. I've lived in Europe for most of my life, but this year my parents decided that we should settle down and be a family. I know the real reason behind this though. Dad just wanted to take up residency so he could run for Congress. He won and now we are even less of a family. Dad's in D.C. all the time and Mom is so preoccupied with her career as a journalist that I never see her. She's always locked up in that study of hers.

Supposedly my lack of parental figures can explain where I am right now. Laying down next to Alex Ryderstan, naked. He's sleeping and well I'm thinking about why I'm here. His arms are wrapped tightly around me, cradling me next to his chest.

This is interesting. Most people at school would assume that I am sleeping next to my boyfriend Joe Wexler. Obviously that's not the case. This arrangement I have is interesting. Alex Ryderstan. I honestly wonder how many girls have slept next to him. He definitely lives up to his synonym of the King of Chilton. My mom said that Dad used to be called that. It's funny how things turn out.

If people knew that Alex and I were sleeping together, I have no idea what they would do. The Dugrey-Ryderstan feud is infamous throughout Hartford. I was introduced to it two weeks ago. I don't even know the details. It happened a long time ago and I'm not even sure that anyone knows what they are fighting about anymore. I guess that's what timeless feuds are for.

Alex interrupts my thoughts as he stirs, "Mary, are you awake?" he asks in that sultry, morning voice he has. God, that's how I got here.

"Yeah," I reply, turning into him.

I face him. "You're beautiful," Alex sighs, running his hand through my hair. I love that feeling.

"I thought we said no compliments." I'm mean. He's just trying to be nice to me.

He shifts his body and looks up at the ceiling, no longer at me. Frustrated he groans. "Mary do you know what you do me?"

"I bet you say that to all the girls."

"I don't. You know that." Why is this so hard? He's never out of my head. He's never not present. He's there. Knocking on my heart, telling me that's it okay if I fall in love with him. I can't fall anymore. It's not worth it. Someone always gets screwed in the end.

I get out of the bed, not responding to anything he has to say. I slip my underwear on, then my skirt. My bra gets hooked into place then I button my blouse. I look for the familiar blue blazer on the floor. There it is. I put my arms through the fabric. Clothes never stay on when I'm at Alex's house. Except for maybe the first month.

"We have school in thirty minutes. I'm going to get going."

I hear him mutter under his breath, "Leave like you always do."

Pretending not to hear him, I exit the way I came in: the bedroom door. Most affairs leave through windows or back doors, but I leave through the front door. It's kind of weird.

My car is sitting in the expansive driveway of the Ryderstan house. His house is a lot like mine. Big, imposing, and way over the line of necessary. I've never lived from just necessities. When I was younger Mom would tell me stories about the shed she grew up in. A one room shed. That's so different from today. Now I live in a big stone mansion that is almost frightening. It frightened me when I first looked at it. Was I suppose to live in that? No. I don't live in it per se. I more or less inhabit it. I hate being there. I get out as much as I can.

In my car, a Mercedes convertible (Dad decided I needed a "suitable" car), I straighten out my appearance. I always walk out of Alex's room disheveled. Searching my school bag I find chapstick and a brush with a hair band wrapped around it. First I apply the chapstick, then I brush my hair. I put my hair up in a simple, classic ponytail. I look presentable to the world. Hopefully Joe won't notice. He won't. If he does I'll just tell him I woke up late. He'll buy it. He always does.

Drive out the driveway I tell myself. It's hard to tell myself to leave. I know he's watching me from his bedroom window. Inspiring it is. I move the shift into gear and drive. Five minutes to school.

Tired I pull into my designated spot for junior class president. I still don't know what inspired me to run for the position, but I did and won. I did not even know any of the kids. I had only been at the school for four months and I won. I postulate that it has something to do with my name. It's funny how something as simple as that can get me something.

There goes my cell phone, ringing like it always does. Who ever invented these horrid things seriously has something coming to them. No one likes these. We all have been told by big business that we cannot live without them. Well we can't. Now look at the dilemma we are in.

"Hello?" I answer slightly annoyed.

"Mary where are you?" Mom. One noun can answer everything. What does she want?

"At school. Where else would I be?" I reply sarcastic.

She doesn't say anything for a moment. I think she is surprised at my lack of respect for her. "I did not here you come in last night," she states simply.

"Oh well I spent the night at Hannah's," I lie through my teeth.

"Really? Well I called there and she said you weren't there."

"When did you call?" I ask alarmed. She can't be suspicious.

"Nine. Why?"

Great, an opportunity. "That explains it. I did not get to her house till nine-thirty. I was at Joe's till then."

"Oh okay," she pauses again, trying to find a fallacy in my answer. She doesn't find one.

"Will I see you tonight?"

"I don't know. It's Friday. Joe has a game and he probably wants me to go."

"Your father is coming home tonight and he wants to see you." She always says that the day before the weekends. I think he shows about one out of every ten times. He promises things he can't keep.

I laugh slightly. "Yeah well I might not be able to make it."

"Okay." She's hurt. I can tell. I can't take this conversation anymore. I hang up.

Exiting my car, I approach Chilton Academy. Both my parents went here and their parents before them and I think their parents too. I don't know. All I know is that the people I come from have a long line of history at this place. Mom calls it hell. I understand where she's coming from, but then I think about it and she had a lot happen to her from coming here. Most of its positive too. She got into Yale because of this place and she met Dad, but I don't know if that would be something that if Mom had perspective on she would classify in the good column.

Tristan Dugrey caused a lot of problems in my mom's life. From what I've been told and overheard, they met in these very halls. Supposedly he teased her mercilessly and fell in love with her when he was sixteen. Mom has a different story. She never even gave Tristan Dugrey a second thought. Rory Gilmore knew that all he wanted was to get into her pants and that was partly true. Although down the road I think it became more than that. They had one kiss in high school at the piano bench of Madeline's party. Mom ran away crying. Dad was heartbroken, but he didn't give up. He fought for her. That was until he got shipped to military school for pulling some stupid shit. He should have stayed there. They never reformed him. But he got reformed for a while.

They met up again in college. Yale to be more precise. Mom loved that school. Dad saw it as a path to the inevitable doom he had of leading Dugrey Enterprises into the next century. There was a party and they found each other from across the room and I guess you can say the rest is history. But it wasn't exactly easy for them, but I can get into the details at a more opportune moment.

I go to my locker, open it and take out the necessary books, binders, notebooks, etc. It's the same every day. It never changes. I even have a routine worked out. In the morning, then lunch, then the final stop after school. My binders are organized in the order of my classes so it's easy access. Everything is simple. I wish it was.

"Hey baby," I hear. Joe.

I turn around after taking a deep breath. "Hi."

He slides his arms around me. Not for the first time, I notice they aren't as comfortable as Alex's. "How are you?"

"Okay," I reply sullenly.

He looks into my face with those blue eyes he has. "You don't look it."

"Thanks," I say sarcastically.

"What? You don't," he states as a fact. I hate boys. Okay maybe there's one I don't, but I hate them. The blindness they possess.

I get myself out of his grasp. "I had a rough night."

"It's obvious." He wants to fight with me.

I groan. "Joe I'm not going to do this right now." I start walking away from him.

His hand grabbed my wrist, "What do you mean you aren't going to do this right now?"

"Exactly that." I pull my wrist away from him. "I don't want to fight with you."

"Fine." He walked away from me. He always does that. He avoids confrontation. Sometimes I hate it, but what can I do? I can't make him talk about things that he doesn't want to.

Everyone saw that. Something for the Chiltonites to gossip about. Might as well give them something to do. It's better than nothing. For one day I don't want them to talk about me. I always hear it. When people gossip they don't think that you can hear them, but you do. You know exactly what they are saying. "Joe and Mary are having problems again." "You remember what happened last time?" "She dumped him at that party and he ended up sleeping with Elaine Reggar." "I know. Obviously she's not keeping him satisfied." The whole school thinks I'm still a virgin. There is only one person who knows differently. Alex. It all comes back to him doesn't it? As much as I deny it, it does.

Why? Why? There's no reason. The whole point of our relationship is so we can get our frustrations out. It started in October. We had to come up with a theme for the fall dance. He's student body president. We ended up having the duty imposed upon us. It's funny. Anyway, he started asking me questions about Joe and I. Then he made this conclusion.

"You and Joe have no passion when you're together," he stated.

I scoffed. "Where do you come up with this?"

"It shows. Your eyes lack something. There's nothing there."

"You're crazy," I exclaimed. I walked towards my vanity. I began fiddling with the books on my desk, barely looking at the titles.

He inched closer to me. "I'm not." He brushed his hand against mine. I looked at the mirror. There he was. His eyes staring back at me. Those dark brown eyes penetrating my reflection. The strong jaw outlined his light skin color. You can't really get tan in Connecticut. His black hair showed the dark contrast in his face. It was soft and messy. I still can remember the look of him. He wanted to take me right there. To show me the passion that I obviously lacked.

His hands moved to my neck and began lightly brushing my skin. My white collar shirt had two buttons open and my skin was exposed to the air and to him. I turned towards him. I could not stand the way he was touching me without telling him I didn't appreciate it. "Don't do that." It felt too real. I had never experienced something like that. With Joe it had always been clumsy and rough. Never soft nor electrifying. It sounds like a romance novel, but it was. Alex was seducing me.

"Why?" he asked simply. It was so much more than simple

"Because," I didn't know what to say.

He placed a piece of my hair behind my ear. "Exactly. No response. Maybe this time you'll be speechless." He kissed me. It was soft at first, then it became demanding. I only had kissed one person before Joe and it was never like that. Joe usually begged for entrance while Alex just penetrated into my mouth. He tangled my tongue with his and I was lost. I had no words. He was right. He made me speechless.

Unattaching his mouth from mine, he brought his voice to my ear, "Speechless." Then he left. He walked right out my bedroom door.

It started like that. One kiss that blew my mind. It seemingly shattered my existence. I was treading on glass before, but that one moment shattered it. After he left, I felt my lips and something inside of me wanted to recreate what just happened. I wanted to be kissed like that for the rest of my life. I didn't think that could be possible. But now, every time I kiss him, touch him, it's like that. It's like I'm bursting from all parts of my body. It's a feeling I can never recreate with anyone else except for him. He makes me feel insane things. Things I will never feel with anyone else but him.

I told him that too the next day.

At school we had a lunch student government meeting and I had to talk to him. I waited because I knew he would be the last one out. He always was.

Briefly he spoke to Paul, his vice president, then it was just him and I in a room with no one else there. I don't think he wanted to acknowledge me. Maybe he wanted to pretend like nothing had happened. But if he felt an ounce of what I had felt then he would not be able to ignore it.

"Alex." He turned to me. I got his attention. I saw his eyes and realized there was no going back.

"Mary, what can I do for you? Is there anything wrong with the junior class that I should be aware of? Or is this a social call?" He was being sarcastic. I hate when he's like this.

"You know what this is about." Nothing. I should have expected that. "Yesterday, in my room, what was that?"

"A demonstration," he declared. His mode was businesslike, as if we were talking about what soda we would rather have in the cafeteria.

"Of what exactly?" I demanded. I needed to figure it out. I hate having things unorganized and undecided. It's annoying.

He gave me a straight a look. "I have a proposition." I didn't say anything. "You are unsatisfied in your relationship with your so-called boyfriend and I am willing to pick up the slack. You can keep your relationship with him, but I'll be fun for you. An escape if you will."

"What do you get out of this relationship?"

"The satisfaction of knowing that when you are kissing him you are thinking of me."

A thought popped into my mind. "Are you attracted to me?"

"Would I be propositioning you if I didn't?"

"Okay, rhetorical question. Are you saying that we would be friends with benefits?"

He smiled, "Something like that, but when have we been friends?"

I looked away from him. He always has to make jokes like that. I get back to business. "If I agree to this I want you to know that I don't want any emotions involved. I have enough emotional problems as it is and I don't want to have to deal with that."

"Understood."

"So this means you can't give me any compliments or anything of that nature," I continue.

"I can deal with that," Alex shrugged.

"Good."

"So I guess this means we have a deal?"

"I haven't set anything in stone yet." I crossed my arms across my chest.

He laughed, "What else do you desire your highness?"

"I want to know what you expect of me."

"What I expect of you? Well Mary, obviously you are still a Mary, but I am hoping to add a Magdelene to it." He noticed the shocked look on my face. "Of course that knowledge would only be privileged to me."

"What if I don't want to be a Magdelene yet?"

He laughed again, "Believe me after a few weeks you will be."

"What if I'm not satisfied by you?"

"What if I'm not satisfied by you?" he countered,then he continued, "After yesterday, I think you know that I won't be unsatisfying. After all, I am the king." His arrogance is nothing if not grand.

I took a moment to take this all in. He wanted to solely have a physical relationship with me in secret. Who would have thought that Alex Ryderstan found me, Mary Dugrey, attractive and worth his precious time in the sack? I never had sex before then and honestly I was not planning on it anytime soon. I knew that eventually Joe would become impatient and perhaps that would be the deciding factor in our relationship, but Alex wanted me for the sole purpose of sex, but I had never experienced it before. And Alex wanted my first time to be with him? He wanted to be the first one to "deflower" me as Grandma would call it? It did not make sense, but he was standing in front of me, making that possible agreement with me.

Being me and wanting to make a change in my character, I responded, "Okay. I'll do it."

"It's not like you're signing your life away or anything, although that could be a possibility." Sarcasm always, but then he continued with the subject at hand. "Good. See you later, Mary."

He left the student government room and roamed the hallways.

Sitting down in my first period class at the desk I had occupied for the whole year, I am still thinking about it. How could I do that? Mary Dugrey would never make a deal to have sex with someone that is not her boyfriend. My times have changed.

The bell rings and first period starts. The droning voice of Mr. Yeager drones on and on. I don't even know what he is talking about. I think I just heard Theodore Roosevelt, there's one note for today, most likely all I've done.

Why is this happening to me? Normally I perfectly fine about my life and the way I live it. I go to school and get good grades. All A's just like my mom. I don't let my personal life get in the way. Never has Alex invaded the way I go about my daily life. He's there and I get along fine. He's like the cherry on top. The rest of my life is the ice cream and chocolate sauce. Wow, weird analogy. Being with him makes me happy, but miserable.

There's a battle going on inside of me. Neither side is winning. One part of me wants to be happy and Alex does that, but another part is sense and that I am cheating on my boyfriend and betraying my family. It's so much. Sometimes I wonder if I broke it off with Alex, would life be easier? Would it be easier to get along? Would my sense side finally win and everything that's right would fall into place?

People assume that being rich and having a certain name makes your life easy. It makes being a part of life easy, but it does not make living life easy. We still have all the same problems as the rest of the world. Sometimes I think the difference is, is that eyes are on us. Everyone is waiting, watching us to fall. I'm falling and there's no one to catch me. It sounds conceited and I know that people have life much worse off than me, but right now I can't be me.

I'm two people. One person with Alex and other person with Joe and my family. I don't even know if I can them my family. Anyway, I'm divided down the middle and it seems as if there is no way to mend me.

Signaling the end of first period, the bell rings. How life is signaled by a bell.

"Mary, hey!" Hannah's bubbly personality identifies me in the hallway full of blue uniformed students. The mask comes on. "Hannah," I hug her once she approaches me.

"Sweetie," she takes perfectly, manicured hand, "I heard about your fight with Joe."

"Ah and here it comes," I knowingly say.

"What's going on?" she asks seriously. She begins leading me down the hallway to our second period together, English.

I look down at her. Her short stature was never reassuring and I knew she wanted answers. That's the least my best friend deserves. Lately all she's been doing is covering my ass and she doesn't even know why.

"He told me that I looked bad and I kind of took it personally and told him I did not want to fight with him."

"Well you should have because no guy should tell you that you look bad. It's like a code or something, okay?" she rubbed my shoulder.

"Thanks. I know I shouldn't feel guilty, but sometimes I feel like I'm not a good girlfriend or something. I don't know. I wish that sometimes it was easy, you know?"

"Boys are never easy. I know this is your first relationship and it has been a long one, I mean seven months, come on, but I think you need to be single for awhile. You need to meet different people."

Is she actually saying that I should break up with him? Wow, new revelation. "I need to tell you something." Something possessed me to tell her. I have to tell some one. It's been four months. I can't keep it in forever.

I look around and see if anyone is around us. No one. For safety purposes, I pull her outside into the courtyard. No one is around and this way I can tell her and she can react anyway she wants too.

"You need to sit for this," I direct her. She takes my suggestion and sits on the stone bench.

I sit beside her. "Hannah, I didn't tell you this because I didn't know how you would react, but okay well you know Alex Ryderstan, right?"

"Yeah, he's student body president and the unrequited King of Chilton, why? Do you have a crush on him or something?"

I give her a weak smile. "I've been sleeping with him," I tell her bluntly.

"I suspected something," she states, with nothing after it.

"What?" I ask incredulously.

"You've seemed weird for the past few months. I can't pinpoint the exact time, but you shifted. You use to be innocent and totally naive and now you're different. I don't know how, but you're different. You're negative half the time and you're always staring off into space thinking about something. I didn't know what you were thinking about, but now I know that you are thinking about sleeping with Alex."

How does she do that? This is why she's my best friend. "Oh Hannah, I have no idea what I am going to do." I bury my face in my hands. I can't do this anymore.

"First, we need to get to second period. Second, you need to sort out your feelings for Alex. Do you want to just be friends or be more? No more of this friends with benefits crap. Third, you need to break up with Joe because you are too instable to have a relationship with him. Fourth, you must get a big carton of ice cream and watch love stories all night and realign yourself with reality. Okay?"

"That's a lot. Do you think you can write it down for me?" I ask. I know it sounds sarcastic, but seriously I cannot think straight right now.

She looks at me with her eyes, trying to emphasize what I am going through. She's too nice to do this all for me. Reaching into her backpack she pulls out a notepad and a pencil and writes everything down. She rips it out and gives it to me.

"Mary let's get the first thing off this list and get to second period." Taking my hand she leads me through the rest of the day, not letting me stray from my objectives.

Second item on the list. I look down at the yellow paper with blue lines and see "sort out feelings for Alex." Tough. Sitting in my room I realize that I need backup. There is no way I can solve my problems with only my head, which is completely incapable of logically thinking things out.

Immediately, I head towards the front door and get to my car. Star's Hollow. Grandma lives there and she will definitely help me out with this. It's funny. Everyone else in my family is really screwed up. The only two people that I classify as sane are Grandma Lorelai and Grandpa Luke. Most people would say that this classification is irrational, but not in my perspective. There are the two people I know that are in love and Grandma has enough relationship experience to help me out. Mom would have no idea how to respond to this situation. On that note, I know Grandma would not approve of my the place I've put myself in right now. Damn, I have to play the whole I have a friend and I need advice card. Ah, I hate that.

Frustrated I shut my car door loudly. Then I head down the path to Star's Hollow. I'm not that close with Luke and Lorelai. I see them on holidays, when the Dugreys aren't keeping us at their humble abodes, but overall I don't really see them. When I do though, there's always a cheeriness and comfortableness about them. I can talk to them, even if I don't have much of a relationship with them

I come to the house that I've rarely seen in my sixteen years of existence. My mom comes here a lot. I think it's because she has so many problems with Dad and she only feels comfortable talking about them with Grandma. I never know anything. All I can hear the fighting that both of them try to hide from me. Always out of the loop.

Hesitantly I knock on the door. I should not be nervous. I am only going to see my grandma who loves me very much. Deep breath.

I hear the sounds of high heels clicking on the hardwood floors of the Gilmore-Danes home.

Grandma answers the door. I see her dark brown, almost black hair in it's wild wavy hair style. Slowly are the signs of agedness coming with creases and wrinkles around her eyes and mouth. Fashionable as always she's wearing a chunky sweater and jeans that most fifty-seven year olds could not pull off. "Mary?" she asks stunned with her arms across her chest. She's shocked to see me and I don't blame her, but she also looks slightly angry.

"Hi, Grandma," I say weakly.

"Don't act innocent with me girl." Now I know she's mad at me. I have no idea what exactly she is mad at me for though.

"What?"

"You know what I am talking about! The way you treat your mother is not right. She tries so hard to be a part of your life and you just throw it in her face. You have absolutely no respect for her and unless you apologize I am not letting you into my house."

"I don't understand."

She shakes her head. "I am not going to take that innocent act from you. Rory calls me everyday about how she doesn't know you and how you blow her off when she wants to spend time with you and how you lie to her all the time."

I cannot believe that she is saying that! She doesn't even know me. "Okay, I come here to talk to you about something that doesn't even have to do with Mom and you tell me how horrible of a person I am. I know Mom doesn't know me, but now I know that even the one person I feel comfortable going to doesn't."

I walked away. Emotions are running through me. I can't think straight. All I know is that Loral has decided that I am a horrible person and that I am not worth the time of day to deal with. Ahh! I am so frustrated.

I get into my car and drive. Tears are falling down my face and my hands aren't fast enough to push the tears away. They're falling and I can't stop them.

Somehow I'm back in Hartford following a familiar road I have taken a lot over the past four months. In five minutes I'm right outside Alex's house, sitting in my car, trying to figure out what I am going to do. I'm not following Hannah's list. Oh well. I never really was one for order and preciseness.


	2. No One Ever Stays Silent

AN: Hey everyone! First of all I can not believe the amount of reviews and support I have been getting. I've posted another story (not for Gilmore Girls) and it definitely was not as well received as this one. I want this story to have long chapters, thus I need more time to write. Unfortunately due to my hectic schedule, I will not be to post a lot. Hopefully I will be able to once a week, but I am not guaranteeing anything. It took me a whole month to write the first two chapters, but now that I know people want to read it I will be focused on writing more. Thanks again!

P.S. Thank you Callista Wolfwood, rosie4299, royaleve, BeDaZzLeNpLaiD, Mars18, Lioness-07863, KeitaWolf, Beeno, tickle582, four51, megliz716, emerem for reviewing. I know the story is a little weird and definitely AU and thanks for letting me know your opinion. For everyone, feel free to tell me if I have anything wrong because I am a new Gilmore Girls fan. Again thank you!

Rachel, Casey, and Demetra…thanks for being so supportive with my random stories and obsessive nature. You guys are so awesome for putting up with me. I love you!

Lauren (manydreams1216)

* * *

God, I can't stop crying. Alex can't see my like this. I'm actually planning on going in and talking to him. I'm crazy. 

Smoothing out my skirt, I walk across the street to his house.

I knock on the door. I look like crap and I know that in no way am I presentable, but he's seen me at my worst.

Someone I've never seen answers the door.

"Hello?" he asks. He has a newspaper in his hand and glasses are sitting on the tip of his nose. His face looks a little like Alex's. He has the same strong jaw, but he has lines and wrinkles covering his face.

"Hi, my name is Mary Dugrey and I was wondering if Alex was home?" I wipe a stray tear away from my face. I don't know if he noticed it, but to keep up appearances. Maybe I just notice something, but the man peaked up at the mention of my last name.

"This is quite a pleasure and I rarely ever meet Alex's friends," he extends his hand to mine and I shake it. "I'm Alex's dad, Ken. Come on in." He waves me inside the house that holds my first experiences.

"I believe Alex is upstairs in his room. You may go up and see him." He directed me towards the stairs. "Miss Dugrey will you join Alex and I for dinner? Unfortunately Alex's mom Jen will not be in town, but you are welcome to join us."

I offer him a smile, "I'm not sure yet, but thank you for the offer. I appreciate it."

"Of course."

I jog up the stairs to Alex's room. I've never been one for walking up stairs. Down the hallway to the left, in the third door is Alex's bedroom. I was here this morning. It hasn't been that long.

Hearing the sounds of Led Zeppelin through the door, I know that Alex is in his room. For the third time today, I knock on the door of another dwelling. Still hesitant and nervous. I have not worked out my feelings for him and this conversation is almost the point of suicidal. My hands are fiddling with each other. I need something to fall back on. There's nothing. Oh well, I'm already falling and I might as well continue doing so.

As the door opens, I see his familiar face that I have studied many times. When he sleeps and I can't, I watch him. While he's sleeping he looks so content and peaceful. I know his life isn't exactly the easiest and it's much similar to mine, but he sleeps so peacefully. I fight in my sleep. It's a struggle and lately I've only been sleeping good when I'm him. He's steady.

"Mary," he acknowledges nodding his head at me.

"Alex I need to talk to you." Without permission I slide under the arm he's propped up against the door.

I can feel his smirk through the back of my head as he closes the door. "Mary you've never been one to talk."

Turning around to him, I place my hands on my hips and state, "Alex I'm serious. I need to talk to you."

For the first time he looked at me. Really looked at me. He dropped the smirk that adorned his face. Quickly he walked over to where I was standing in his room. "You've been crying. What's wrong?"

"I'm just confused."

"Why?"

I gave him a serious look. "What do you want out of me?"

"Everything," he states plainly.

"You want me. The whole package. The whole messed up package that's completely unstable that you can't control it. The package that's ready to blow up at any moment."

"That's what I want. You."

"What about Joe?" I say breathless.

"What about him? Break up with him. He doesn't matter. You've been screwing around with me for the past four months. Your relationship with him is already a fraud. There's no reason to be with him."

He's proposing that I break up with Joe. My father set me up with him. It was in June, a week after school let out, Dad had a party with all of his friends from college. Mom was there too. Joe Wexler is the first son of Hal and Joan Wexler. Perfectly acceptable to the Dugreys. Joe passed the test. I had never dated anyone before him. It started out simple. He asked me to movie and a dinner. I said yes and it went from there. It's a high school romance. Nothing more, nothing less. No mind-blowing feelings. Not really anything. He was there. I was there. It worked.

I was content for awhile. Three months to be exact. Then Alex happened. It's all a blur, but there are defining moments.

Sitting down on my bed, I place my hands in my face. I'm ashamed of the whole situation. "I know. I know," I repeat.

"Exactly," He bends down and takes my hands away from my face.

Ring. Ring. Ring. It's my cell phone. I reach in my pocket and answer it. "Hello?"

"Mare, it's Joe."

I groan lightly. "Hi."

"I need to see you."

"I can't right now."

"I can't see you right now either. I have a game tonight, but what about afterward?"

"I don't know. My dad's coming into town."

"Fine." He's angry. "If I don't see you tonight, I'll stop by your house tomorrow."

"That's fine."

"Alright, I love you."

Not thinking I respond, "Love you too."

Alex's hands leave my body. "I hate that," he yells. Where is this coming from? Why is he mad at me?

"Why are you mad at me?"

"Because I can't do this. I can't be in love with you and have you tell someone else that you love them. I just can't do this anymore."

"Did you just say you love me?"

"Yes, that's not the point though. The point is that you can't be here fucking me and telling another guy that you love him. It just isn't right." He turns away from me.

"You were perfectly fine with this relationship before. Why does it change now?" I ask. I can't deal with this anymore. There are too many mixed signals.

He turns around, "I started this whole thing because I had to get you out of my system. From that moment I first kissed you, I knew that I had to manipulate you and get you to be with me. If not mentally, then at least physically. It obviously didn't work and now I am back at square one. Are you happy? Are you happy that every single moment I am awake I think about you?"

I approach him and hold his hand. There is something comforting about his hands. "I feel the same way. Everything comes back to you. Part of me wants to just break it off with Joe and the other part wants to stay with him, where it's comfortable."

He drops his hand from mine. "You need to make a decision. It's either him or me. I'm not going to be the guy in the background that makes life bearable for you."

"Can I just think about it? I have to sort things out."

"Fine." It came out harsh. I don't think it was suppose to, but it did.

In a meek voice I respond, "Okay. I'll see you later."

"Yeah." Tired he rubs a hand through his black hair.

Turning away from him I walk out the door. Down the ornate hallway that I've walked so many times before. You know the term walk of shame? Well that always applies when I leave his room. Sometimes I feel guilty because I just cheated on my boyfriend and other times it's because I left him in there all by himself with no one to wake up next to him. Guilt. Something I always feel when I'm with him. Most of the time it's because I can never give all of myself to him. There's something holding me back.

Arriving home, I notice my dad's car in the driveway. Wow he actually came home. Mom must be ecstatic.

I walk through the front door which incases what has been home to me for the past year. It's not home. I've never really had a home, but if I knew what it was like to have a home I know that this wouldn't be what it was like.

Voices. Raised voices. They're fighting. Mom and Dad. Always. It never stops.

I think they are in the living room. Quietly I try to walk up the stairs. Right now I just want a hot shower that will wash away everything. No more. I can't stand it.

Thirty minutes later and I feel brand new. Okay maybe not brand new, but I have a new coating. I can be a little more resistant for the next 24 hours. A little more strength. All I need is a little more strength to face everyone, everything.

My cell phone rings. I don't want to say it again, but I hate that thing. No matter how reluctant I may be I answer it.

"Hello?"

"Mare, it's Hannah." At least right now it's someone I wouldn't mind talking to.

"Hey."

"Hey."

"What's up?"

"Are you going to the game tonight? It starts at seven."

"Yeah I know. I can't. Dad's home and you know what that means."

"Yeah. Well do you think you can make it out tonight? There is going to be a party at Reagan's house."

"Maybe. I just need to make it through dinner and then I can see if I can go."

She sighs knowing how much I hate "family" dinners. "Hopefully I'll see you later."

"Yeah. Bye."

"Bye."

Knock. Knock. I guess the parentals have discovered my presence at the home dwelling. I groan slightly. "Come in."

It's my dad. I see his blond hair that is unruly. Even at forty-one years old, Tristan Dugrey still has that youthfulness about him. There are the lines in his face that show the wear and tear over the years. Although never failing is the smile that adorns his face. I don't think there has ever been a time when it hasn't work. He knows it too. Always the arrogant air about him too. He can get whatever he wants.

"Mary, it's good to see you," he greets. No hugs, no kisses, just good to see you. Guess that's the ice of a society family.

"You too Dad. When was the last time? Three weeks ago." Sarcasm never ceases me.

He smiles. "I think it was."

I turned away from him and towards my mirror, pretending to brush my hair. I can't stand to look into his eyes that are so similar to mine. For some reason I have such a hard time looking at him. Maybe it's everything that has happened or that I know I'm so much like him it hurts to look at myself in a mirror.

"I heard that you stopped by your Grandmother's this afternoon."

"Yeah, I had to talk to her about something, but she didn't want to see me."

He didn't say anything for a moment. "Dinner is in ten minutes. Your mom and I have something we have to talk to you about."

"Okay." He walked out of my room quietly. Not making any sounds that were more than necessary.

After many agonizing minutes of debating how to handle myself, I finally walk downstairs at the precise time I was told. Ten minutes later I walk down the massive staircase into the dining room to the left. They are both sitting there. Dad at the head of the table facing me and Mom to his left. Her short brown hair is cut to her chin. It has always looked like that. I've seen pictures of her with longer hair, but ever since I can remember her hair has been short and smooth, never out of place. I don't understand. How can someone's hair always be in place? Every strand in an exact designated place. It's all appearance.

Slowly but surely I make my way to the seat across from Mom. We've always sat like this. Dad at the head and his two favorite girls sitting on both of his sides. How patriarchal? As soon as I sit down, the maid, Tina, places a salad in front of my father, then my mother, then me. It's one of those salads with walnuts and mandarin oranges in it. I pick out the walnuts and oranges from the green leaves and eat the two things I find appetizing. Silence reeks from the whole table. No one says anything.

After the salad course is removed, the main course of steak and fancy mashed potatoes are in front of me. I can't even look at the food. I'm not hungry. I just stare at the plate and occasionally push the potatoes around. I can't even look at them. Something's up and I don't like it. It's not like silence is rare at the Dugrey household, it's just that there is something going on and I can't stand it. The only thing that is keeping me from throwing the plate at the wall is this conversation inside of my head.

"Mary, aren't you going to eat anything?" Mom asks quietly, breaking the silence.

Without looking at her I respond, "I'm not hungry."

"You need to eat something. You're starting to look thin." Her of all people can not criticize my eating habits. She has no idea what is going on with me.

I just let out a grunt. "Mary!" Dad yells at me.

"What?" I look at him.

"Look at your mother when you are talking to her." He points with his fork to indicate Mom.

"I got to get out of here." I rise out of my chair and begin walking towards the front door. I don't have my car keys or anything. I just need to go for a walk. I'm suffocating in here.

With my back turned towards them, I hear the clatter of flatware. "Mary don't walk away from me!" he yells again. It's always yelling.

For some reason I turn around, "Why not? You and Mom have done it to me all my life!" My hands are formed in fists. Everything has been building up for the past sixteen years, especially this last year. I can't stand it anymore.

"What is that supposed to mean?" Dad questions firmly.

"I don't know. You tell me. You both are never here. Maybe you're here, but you're never here, really here. Nine times out of ten, Dad, you are in D.C. and Mom is here in her study doing god knows what. I have no idea that you're my parents. Because if you were you would understand exactly what is going on with me. Maybe I'm just a teenager and this is a phase. I don't know, but my friends, if you can call them that at least have relationships with their parents. I have no relationship with you guys." Tears are streaming out of my eyes. I can't stop them. I'm shaking. I don't like this feeling. I have no control and I haven't had any for a really long time. I'm falling into a hole.

They both say nothing. Their expressions don't tell me anything. They look like statues, like the masks that they've created for the past twenty years. Maybe they understand that this is true. Maybe they just haven't seen my side of things. I don't know.

Turning around again, I'm sobbing. I'm trying to wipe the tears from my eyes. I walk towards the front door and they still aren't saying anything. Are they so immune to my emotions that they don't see that I feel unloved or neglected? Are they unwilling to address the problems that our family has? I know I keep saying this, but I don't understand. I don't understand why they don't want to know me in the least bit. They probably have no idea what my favorite movie is, my favorite book, let alone any names of my friends besides Hannah and Joe. I don't even know that much about them. I only see the outside. I've never seen anything remotely important.

My hand is touching the knob. Then I hear my mother's voice, "Mary, wait!"

I keep my back towards her, not turning around. The movement of her across the dark hardwood floors, entices me to turn around. I don't want to get my hopes up so I remain in the same position, ready to leave, ready to turn around and face my mom.

"Mary," she says softly. Her hand touches my shoulder. Maybe she really is trying to reach out to me.

I turn around. Adorning her face are tears and her eyes are red. She cares. She doesn't like to see me like this. She wants to know me. She wants to understand me.

"Mom, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry I yelled at you and Dad. I just don't know what to do anymore." I collapse onto her shoulder. For the first time I can remember her arms hold me. It's not a protocol hug. It's real and actually means something.

"Sweetie, it should be me who's sorry. I haven't been the mother to you I should have been."

"Sometimes I don't feel wanted. I can't tell you what I want to tell you. That's why I went to Grandma Lorelai's today, but she said that I was wrong about everything. I am wrong about everything. I don't know who I am anymore. I don't think I ever really did. I'm sorry." She pats her hand on my hair, reassuring me. Her tears are falling onto my head.

Strongly she whispers in my ear, "We're going to be a family again Mary. I promise."

"Really?" I raise my head from her shoulder and look at her in the eyes.

"Yes, Mary we are."

Dad's voice ruptures through Mom and I trying to make a breakthrough in our relationship as he walks towards our embrace. "Rory, don't lie to the girl."

"What are you talking about?" Mom asked Dad. An incredulous, but almost knowing look passes her face.

"You know why I came home this weekend."

"Tristan, please," Mom pleaded.

I look between Mom and Dad as they exchange a look. "What are you guys talking about?"

My Dad looks at me straight and says, "Your mother and I are getting a divorce." His hand runs over his face.

"What?" I ask again.

Mom tries to calm me down. "Nothing is final yet."

"Rory, this has been a long time coming. There is no use telling Mary that we are going to be family if we are not going to be together."

"Is that what you were going to tell me at dinner tonight?" I try to make a connection, "that you were going to get a divorce?"

Mom started, "Well we were going to warn you that it could be possible"

"It's going to happen," Dad interrupted her, "There's nothing that's going to stop it." He walks away from us and towards the living room, where there's the table with the liquor on it. He goes straight for the whiskey, pouring it hastily into a glass. I guess there's no formalities to keep up, so Dad decides to take it straight down his throat with no stopping. By his heavy breath after his gulp, I can tell it burned right down into his stomach.

Mom walks over to him. "Tristan can we please try again?"

"We've tried too many times before. First it was New York, then Geneva. They didn't work. Now we are back in Hartford and this isn't working. We've been trying for ten years and nothing has worked. Rory for once in your life you are going to have to realize that you failed at something." He's so harsh. I can see Mom wants to start crying again, but she doesn't. Something stops her. She places her long, thin hand on his wrist that is holding the glass with alcohol. "We can try again. I love you and I love this family. I'm not letting it fall apart."

"Rory," he snaps away his wrist from her, "It already has fallen apart! Can't you see that?" he boasts, "Can't you see it in our daughter?"

"She's a teenager with rotten parents, much similar to you at her age. Do you remember what you were like back then? You were mean, conniving and doing anything to get attention. Mary has been screaming for attention and we've just ignored it. We've been so consumed by our own lives that we haven't been able to see what is wrong with our daughter!" Mom fights back.

Tiredly he replies, "I just can't do this anymore. I can't keep going in this circle."

"Fine give up, like you always do!" She walks away. Quickly she goes up the stairs, no doubt crying her eyes. Dad makes her do that a lot.

Across the hallway from the sitting room, Dad gives me a look that says everything. They are not going to stay together and I'll probably have less of a relationship with him then I do now. He'll be in D.C. permanently, while Mom and I keep up appearances here in Hartford. Soon everyone will pour in their condolences and there will be more façades to keep up.

I don't think Dad has ever cheated on Mom. There is this undying devotion that they have for each other. When I was younger I think there was an incident of infidelity on Mom's part. Everyone would have expected it out Tristan Dugrey first, but no it was Rory Gilmore first. There was some retaliation that took place. People think that you can't hear them talking about your family, but you can. I know the whole story about what happened between Mom and Dad ten years ago.

Before Rory Gilmore reconnected with Tristan Dugrey in college, Logan Huntzberger was the man that had my mom's heart. Their relationship was filled with glamour and excitement. Logan was from a rich, Connecticut family. He was suave, intelligent, witty and was willing to put in the effort for Rory. Basically he charmed my mom's socks off, pants might be more fitting though. They broke up because Mom wanted a commitment and Logan didn't. He just wanted a go-to girl that would just be there. Rory didn't want that. She wanted a real relationship with both sides being completely divulged with their feelings, not something casual. Naturally they broke up and then Tristan Dugrey entered Rory Gilmore's life again and as some say the rest is history.

Well maybe not exactly. When I was five we were living in Hartford and I guess at a some function that Mom and Dad attended, Logan was there. He entertained her and they exchanged phone numbers, without my father knowing. Mom didn't wait very long. The next time Dad was out of town, Rory and Logan reacquainted themselves with one another. I'm not exactly sure what the extent of it was, but they reacquainted. Supposedly this went on for six months. For six months, Mom was doing god knows what behind Dad's back. As a five year old, I was pretty much oblivious to what was going on. I was consumed by finger paints and cartoons. My parents daily going-ons didn't really make much of a difference to me. I was woken up by nannies and tucked in by them. Once in awhile, I saw them at breakfast and dinner, but I never really ranked high on their list of things to attend to.

All the sneaking around when Dad was away, caught up with Mom. This is the one part of the affair that I remember. I was in my room playing with dolls or something. It was around five o'clock. Mom was with a friend, who I now know to be Logan Huntzberger, in her study. Mitchum Huntzberger is Logan's dad, who is big in the newspaper business, and supposedly they were negotiating with Rory to become a featured columnist. At least that was what they told Dad.

Dad came home early. It's the last time I remember him doing that, not that he did it much before, but it's the last time I remember him doing it. Coming home early proved to be something not good for Tristan Dugrey.

Before going to say hello to his wife, Dad came in my room.

He walked through the door and stepped softly on the carpet. My big blue eyes looked up at him. As usual he was dressed in a designer suit and looked pristine and ready to meet some important person. Though he looked approachable. He wasn't invincible. He was Dad. My dad and I was always the first one to say it. I was proud of him.

"How's my little princess?" he asked, looking down at me on the carpet, playing. He always called me that.

"Great. Today, Ellie got me a new a doll."

His strong arms picked me off the floor and placed me in his lap on the bed. "Did she?"

"Yeah. She's so pretty. She looks like me too," I pointed to the doll on the floor, "See

Daddy, she has brown hair and blue eyes like me."

"She is pretty, but she's not as beautiful as you."

I smiled and rubbed my face into his shoulder. He smelled like expensive cologne and whiskey. I loved the way he smelled.

"I love you, my little Mary."

Looking up at him I replied, "I love you too Daddy. You are the best daddy in the whole world." I held onto him tighter.

Now the next part I don't remember if I heard this or I imagined it, but I think he said, "I'm not as wonderful as you think I am. I never am."

For the next five minutes he just held me. His big, strong arms were encircled around me and he was Daddy. He made everything right and everything with him was wonderful. As a child, I think you tend to just see the good in your parents. You never see their faults. You never see the things they do wrong. You see them for the best people in the world and nothing less.

"Mary I'm going to see your mom okay?"

"Yeah."

Before taking me off his lap, he kissed me on the forehead and set me on the bed with my feet dangling. "What do you think about Disneyland?"

"Disneyland!"

"Yeah!" His eyes lit up at my enthusiasm. "Would you like to go?"

"You bet ya!"

"Okay kiddo. I'm going get Mom and see what she thinks about Disneyland."

"Cool!"

With my approval he went to go get Mom. Let's just say I never got to go to Disneyland.

The next thing I remember is hearing yelling and shouting.

"Don't tell me you were in there with HIM doing business! What I saw was not business, Rory! How could I be so stupid."

"Tristan, we weren't doing anything!"

"Really? Then how do you explain the messed up hair and buttoning going on, huh? I'm not that naive Rory. Believe me."

"Fine okay! I am sleeping with Logan. Is that what you want to hear Tristan? Is that what you want me to say?"

At this point I put my hands over my ears. I didn't understand what they were talking about, but all I knew was that they were fighting. They had never done it before that moment. Occasionally there would be arguments, but never the type of screaming fighting that I witnessed. This was the start of everything that would lead to divorce.

Shortly after the affair with Logan, we moved to New York. Dad got a promotion from Grandpa, but I think moving to New York City was a way to start over for Mom and Dad. They needed to get away from Hartford's social scene. Somehow everyone in Hartford had found out about what happened between Mrs. Dugrey and Mr. Huntzberger, also Mr. Dugrey's reaction to what took place. I don't know exactly how it happened, because I can be sure the only people that knew what was going on was Dad, Mom and Logan. I heard the confrontation, but the only other people that could have known about it were the maids in the house. I guess the help never really does stay silent.

Anyway we moved to New York. No longer did we live in the mansion that I had known to be home. We lived in the penthouse of a really big building on the Upper East Side. Definitely the nice part of New York City. I remember the big elevators and pressing all the buttons. Only Ellie, my nanny, would let me press all the buttons. Dad and Mom always told me to stop. They didn't have time to stop at all the floors I wanted to.


	3. Her Time of Need

I can't stand to be in that house anymore. I have to get out of here. I grab my purse on the entryway table and rush out of the chilly house as soon as possible. Dad's look affirms that there's no family anymore. I'm not sure there ever was, but now it's for sure.

Driving towards school, I call Hannah.

"Hey," Hannah greets. Her cheery, bubbly voice rises above the crowd I can hear in the background.

"Hey, it's Mary."

"Hey, wait one sec okay? I need to get out of the bleachers." I wait for a minute. "Okay I am out of the constant shouting. Mare, what do you need?"

"Are you still going to that party tonight?"

"Yeah of course, are you?"

"Yeah, dinner ended early. I'm driving to school right now."

"Oh, well there's about half of the game left. Joe's playing pretty good."

Does it really matter to me? Not really. The only difference it makes is what kind of drunk he will be tonight at the party. Will he be a happy drunk or the depressive, abusive drunk that has been occurring lately? "Good for him."

"Mary are you still thinking about ending it with him?"

"I don't know Hannah. Maybe," I respond quickly.

"Okay. I understand. Well, are you going to come to the game?"

As soon as she said this, I pull up into the crowded parking lot of school. "I'm here right now."

"Awesome I'll meet you out in front of the gym."

"K, bye."

"Bye."

I get out of my car and walk up to the gym. There's Hannah with a smile on her face. She always makes me feel better for some reason. Maybe it's because she has that quality that un-arms you and you can just be yourself around her. I don't have to keep up the walls that I'm so use to having. Besides Alex, I think Hannah might be the one person that understands me.

"Mary! Over here!" she waves.

As friends and as we always do, I give her a hug. "How are you?" I ask.

"I'm good. Mary, how are you?"

I let out a sigh, "I don't know." I rub my eyes, realizing that remnants from earlier this evening are probably still very present.

"If it helps matters, you look great," Hannah comments. I'm wearing jeans and a green sparkle tank top with a sweater. I don't know if that classifies as looking great, but I'll take what I can get.

"Thanks. You look great too."

She smiles, but she is still concerned, "What's up?" "Just family stuff. Don't worry about it, I'll be fine," I brush everything off.

"Really?" she rubs my shoulder.

"Yeah," I reassure. "Okay, let's go watch the game."

I nod and walk into the gym with Hannah. The student body is dressed in blue and white, Chilton colors, and are cheering on our basketball team. We go up into the bleachers and sit on the creaky, wooden slabs that must have been here since only god knows when.

Scanning over the crowd I see all the familiar faces. Then I scan the basketball floor and see Joe, number 23. His body is glistening with sweat as he runs up and down the court. Basketball ranks first in his life. It comes before partying, his family, and me. Every other word out of his mouth, besides trying to get me to make out with him, is about basketball. I don't really understand any of it except for a few terms. Sometimes just to shut him up I make out with him.

I think his coach just pulled him out. For a moment, he watches the game while his coach talks to him. His eyes wander up into the stands and they set upon me. I give a little wave and a smile to acknowledge him. He smiles too, then returns his attention to his game. Joe Wexler's girl is in the stands and everything is okay and appearances are being kept up. I think he thinks that I made a special effort to be here. He knows how my parents are about being a family when Dad is around. The thought that maybe something went incredibly wrong probably isn't even crossing his mind. Like everyone else in Hartford, he only sees the surface of my family.

Alex. There he is sitting three rows in front of me and to the left one section. I don't see his face, but I can tell it's him. The back of his head, his neck, and his presence are just dead give aways. This is going to sound stalkerish, but I can tell when it's him even from far away. He's surrounded by all of his friends. They make up the senior crowd. Like I said earlier, he's basically the "king" of the school. Student body president, popular, ladies man and this may seem ironic, but Alex is a nice guy, so I suppose you can say he is set above all the rest. Right now, he's watching the game being a good Chiltonite. What can you expect, right? He's perfect. Okay, now I sound like a romantic. Shut up, Mary.

With him here, I'm not really focusing on the game. I can never concentrate when I am around him, unless I am concentrating on him. I make no sense. Guess that's what it is to be a teenager.

Hannah and I make idle chitchat while the game is going on. We both aren't really interested in basketball. It's definitely just a social appearance that we have to keep up.

Hannah Tegan is by anyone standards beautiful. She has long, strawberry hair that goes down past her shoulders. She's tiny, but has a larger than life personality. When I came to Chilton last year, she took me under her wing. Essentially she is what every girl wants to be and what every guy wants to have. I love her to death. She is the one person that keeps me sane and balanced. She makes me feel like I fit in. I've never really been one of the in-crowd. I mean I am a part of it, but I don't fit in. Hannah makes me feel like I fit in. I get all my advice from her and she basically guides me through life.

Lately she has been covering up for me a lot. When Mom asks where I have been, I always tell with Hannah. Three out of five times I am actually with Alex, the other two times I am with Hannah or Joe. Today she finally found out about why I have been so secretive lately. She acts the same though. I don't think she really expected anything more or less out of me. I'm just her best friend.

"Mary we won!" Hannah must have noticed that I have been in my own mind for the past few minutes.

"Wow."

"Yeah, Joe scored the winning basket."

"Really?" I ask surprised. I totally missed that.

"Yeah Mare. I think you were to busy starring at Alex to notice that your boyfriend was actually winning the regional for Chilton," Hannah jokes. I know she doesn't mean it as mean and if I were her I would probably be doing the same thing.

Playfully, I hit her on the arm. "Hannah!"

She laughs, "Let's go say hi to the team and then we can go to my house, change, then head over to Reagan's."

"Good plan."

We walk down the bleachers and go congratulate the team on winning. I think the entire student body is on the gym floor. There are even reporters. They're talking to Joe.

After they're finished, Joe notices me. "Mary, you made it."

"Yeah."

He takes my hand into his and comes closer to me. "Are you going to Reagan's tonight?"

"Yeah."

"Good. We need to talk."

"I agree."

Softly, he kisses my forehead. "I love you."

I nod. After the incident early with Alex my senses are on high alert whenever I hear the words "I love you." I don't think those three words should be thrown around. I definitely feel that with Joe I've been throwing those words around and I can't do it anymore. I'm not sure of how I feel. To be honest, I don't even think that Joe loves me. I think he has tricked himself into loving me. Wow, that sounded really bad, but I think that he has. He hardly knows me. It's more like that he is in love with the idea of me.

"I'll see you at the party."

"Okay, bye."

"Bye." He lets go of my hand and his teammates congratulate him.

Hannah comes up behind me, "Mare, as much I love the opposite sex I can't stand them when they are sweaty and gross. I feel like I need to take a shower just to get their stench off of me."

I laugh. "Let's get out of here."

"Good idea."

We go to Hannah's house. I need some girl time. Just me and her and no boys and no school. It feels like we are so busy that we hardly have any time for each other anymore. Everything is just so complicated. She took a shower, while I watched TV in her room. Then we talked about things. She definitely makes me feel like my problems aren't the only ones in the world. I definitely need to be grounded to Earth and I am so grateful to have Hannah.

I changed into some of Hannah's clothes for the party. I'm in a red spaghetti strap, silky shirt that goes down pass my hips and goes over my jeans, with a black cardigan to go over it. Hannah always has had an awesome wardrobe and lucky we are similar sizes so I take full advantage of it.

Two hours later we head over to the party in Hannah's car. Pretty much everyone at school is going to be there, which means Alex too. I'm pretty sure I'm going to end things tonight with Joe. I might not be with Alex at the end of all of this, but I need to end things with Joe because it's just an added stress that I don't need right now. How I've figured this all out in less than twenty-four hours, I will never know. Maybe it's accumulated over the past seven months, but I know that I'm not happy in this relationship and therefore I need to end it. Isn't it just hurting him if I'm his girlfriend and I don't have feelings for him? I'm holding him back.

We park down the street from Reagan's house. Walking up to another mansion in Hartford, there are countless cars belonging to the Chilton student body. Especially with the victory tonight, everyone will be out.

I've never really been much of a party person. I would go with Joe. He use to make me. Lately, like as in the past four months, I would go just to see if Alex was there and maybe if I could slip away from Joe in his drunken stupor.

Hannah and I reach the entrance to the party and Reagan is there to greet us. I can't believe she isn't completely shit-faced yet. Reagan has quite the reputation of being a party animal and when her parents are out of town (at least one weekend a month) there is always a party. And her parties are not exactly something any of our parents, and frankly any of us I think approve of. Although in typical teenager fashion, we participate in them. I suppose it's the rebellion in us.

"Hey girls! Welcome to Chilton has the best fucking basketball team in the world party!" Reagan announced. Hannah and I just laughed. There isn't really much you can say to that.

"Come on in, grab yourselves something to drink, and party hardy!" she continued.

"Okay Reagan," Hannah said. "Take it easy tonight okay?"

"Oh I will. I've only had four shots so far."

"Keep it light," Hannah repeated.

Reagan just nodded and stumbled across her living room floor towards the kitchen, where the keg and other assorted alcohol probably is. Being in the house for little more than five minutes, I can smell the smoke and alcohol stench that comes with high school parties.

Hannah goes off, most likely to find Mike, her, well I don't really know how to describe it, "boyfriend" I guess. I don't know. I wander around a little bit, talking to a few people that I know from school. There even is a a social hierarchy that comes with attending Chilton parties. Most people would say that the most important people are invited and attend. But who are we to classify as important? Maybe our parents make more money than other people or we just have a name, but what does your partying habits have to do with your future? Is it important? No. I hardly think that if I were here right now it would affect my later life decisions. The only thing it could do is deter me from going to future parties. Ah, the irony.

In the process of talking to...Julie...I think, I can smell alcohol right by my ear. Julie smiles at me. Deducing, it must Joe. Then I feel arms around me. They are the same ones from earlier in the day, but now they are holding two cups of what I have no idea is in them.

"Do you think you can give Mary and I little bit of time here?" Joe asks Julie.

Still smiling, Julie replies, "Oh yeah, I was just going to get a drink."

"Drink this." He comes in front of me and places the red cup in my hand. Normally I'm not a drinker. I've done it a few times, but it never really has been one of my favorite things. Tonight though, I'm not really thinking about it. I just take a long sip of the unknown liquid. It burns as it goes down.

"Whoa Mary, take it easy. That's pretty strong."

I cough a little. "It's okay."

Unannounced he kisses me, long and hard. He presses into me. I can taste the alcohol on him as his tongue goes does my throat. I don't really fight him. He gets what he wants I guess. After he finishes, I take a long breath and notice, out of the corner of my eye, someone looking at me. It's Alex. I notice it in his eyes. Even from all across the room I know he is angry again and disappointed. He hates seeing me with him.

Joe wants to start again, but I stop him. "We need to talk."

"Okay, talk."

"I don't really want to do this right here."

"Mary, everyone here is going to find out sooner or later that you are going to break up with me, so you might as well take one step out of the process."

What? I am so confused. "What are you talking about?"

"I know you are going to break up with me."

"How do you know that?" "Let's just say that your friends thought it would be polite enough to inform me of your decision." He's smirking, like he's won, but he's mad. I've never seen him like this.

"Joe..." I start.

"Do it already!" he yells at me. No more yelling.

I plead with him, "Please don't yell, Joe."

"Did you think I was going to take this lightly Mary?" I don't say anything and he continues, "Did you think I was going to take this sitting down? Let me tell you, no one breaks up with Joe Wexler. I am Joe-fucking -Wexler."

"Can we do this somewhere else?"

He laughs, "Always hiding aren't you, Mare?

"What does that mean?"

"Everyone thinks you are this perfect girl. You have the picture perfect parents, a perfect boyfriend, a perfect best friend, perfect grades, essentially a perfect fucking life. It's just a mask though. You know it too. You are the unhappiest person I have ever met. Nothing is good enough for you! I'm not even good enough for you. For awhile, I actually thought I loved you. You are this lost, scared, little girl that has no idea what she wants. You want everything to be fucking perfect, but life isn't like that." He takes a long sip of his drink, "Sorry to disappoint."

I'm holding back the tears. I can't cry in front of him, in front of them. I won't cry in front of all of them. "We're over."

"It was over a long time ago."

I walk away from him. Everyone's eyes are on me. In a span of five minutes I have been humiliated in front of them. I told myself a long time ago that they would never see me cry. They will never see me at my weakest. I have to get out of this room with everyone staring. I feel like they are burning holes through me. I just can't take it anymore.

I go through the back door and end up on the terrace. There are people outside, smoking. I can't stand to be around anyone. There are gardens that I find myself wandering through. I'm not sure of what to make of what just happened. Now Joe and I are broken up, officially and everyone knows. And somehow he found out that I wanted to, too. It has to do with Hannah. She's the only one I told everything too. I can't really blame her. I haven't exactly been a best friend either. She just told him that I wanted to break up with him. He probably asked her. But then why has he been telling me he loves me every five minutes? It makes no sense. He was just playing mind games with me.

The best thing that probably came out of this breakup is that he doesn't know about Alex. What a breaking point that would have been...don't even want to think about it, Mary.

Where did he go anyway? I'm sure after that little display of affection, Alex isn't going to be very happy with me. I'm never going to admit this, but I need him. I need him more than anyone else. He's always been there, lurking in the shadows, waiting to pick me up. Never really far away from me. Always close by, always willing to be the person to make me smile.

In the beginning of our relationship, we made the deal that there could be no emotions. Nothing. Somehow, along the way, we became friends. Don't ask me why or how, we just did. It happened. It started with a simple, "Hi, how are you?" then it expanded to "How was your day?" It could be classified as small talk before the sex happened, but it's more. It's more than the protocol. I feel like I could tell him anything and he won't judge me. Okay, I never really have completely opened up to Alex, but I know that I could if I wanted to.

The first time we kissed there was that passion. Something I had never experienced before. We never really did anything for awhile after we decided to have this relationship. We didn't kiss for another week.

It was a Saturday afternoon, my parents were fighting again and I didn't really want to go hang out with Joe or Hannah. Simply, I called Alex. He wasn't doing anything so I invited myself over.

I knocked on his front door and he answered. He was out of his Chilton uniform and he looked comfortable in just jeans and a plain white t-shirt. There was just this casual look about him.

"Hey," he greeted.

"Hey," I said softly. Even though I had invited myself over, I was still uncomfortable about everything.

"Come in," he waved me into his house.

I shoved my hands in the pockets of the jean miniskirt I was wearing. As I walked in front of him I could feel his eyes evaluating me. Not necessarily checking me out, but definitely bearing into me. Sometimes you feel almost violated when someone looks at you in a suggestive way, but Alex didn't make me violated. His eyes have this weird ability of making me feel beautiful without him even saying anything. I wasn't even looking at him, but I blushed.

"Do you want to watch a movie or something?" he offered.

I turned around and faced him. "Sure. What do you have?"

"Pretty much everything. What are you in the mood for drama, action, comedy?"

From what had happened earlier in the day I said comedy. He had Billy Madison, Caddyshack, Meet the Parents. I decided on Caddyshack. I needed something light and for some reason it reminded me of the country club in Hartford and the uptight hypocrites that frequent it. Alex led me to a room off the kitchen, towards the swimming pool in the back, that had a big screen TV. There were comfortable couches that lined the walls. It was a family room, but it didn't seemed to be used that often. We sat down on the couches, while the movie began. I wasn't really concentrating, but I laughed at all the convenient parts with Alex.

At one point of the movie, I don't remember which part, it's kind of blurred now, Alex paused it. "Mary, when are you going to stop being polite around me and just give in?"

I looked at him. Impulsively, I kissed him. At first I just pressed my lips to his. He wasn't satisfied enough so he placed his hand at my neck and pulled me into him further. Slowly he slipped his tongue into my mouth and pressed into me. I gave way underneath him and laid down with him on top of me. He sucked on my lower lip and moved his hands down my body, caressing my bare legs. I groaned at his movements and couldn't believe exactly what I was experiencing.

We didn't go farther than that for little less than a month. Hours and hours of make out sessions with Alex Ryderstan. It was kind of like a month of foreplay if you will. Up until that point I was relatively inexperienced. With Joe, we never got past the point of making out and in the beginning he would try to get me to do things, but he figured out that I wasn't really into that kind of thing. Joe found his pleasure elsewhere. That's when most of the rumors started. Before it was just like "Oh they are so cute together" and later it became "Did you see Joe with that girl at that party of Friday? Mary just watched him go upstairs into a bedroom with her. She didn't do anything!" It became ridiculous.

No one really suspected that I didn't care. Of course I became known as a pushover, but it didn't matter. Do I really care what the people at Chilton think? No.

Ring. Ring. My cell phone.

"Hello?"

I hear heavy breathing and sobs, "Mary?"

"Mom? What's wrong?"

"You need to come home. Something happened to Grandma."

"Which Grandma?"

"My grandmother Emily."

"What happened?"

"She's dead," she says barely audible. I know she's crying hysterically. Grandma Emily has been a big presence in her life since she was 15 and my mother does not take people dying easily. She doesn't take anything easily.

"Mom, I'll be there soon."

"Please. Your father isn't speaking to me and he doesn't know. I'm a mess and I can't tell him," she cries more.

"I'll be there soon," I repeat.

"Bye, I love you."

For the first time I can remember I say, "I love you Mom." I hang up the phone. I start crying. It's not because Great-Grandma died. I mean that is part of it, but I said "I love you" to my mom for the first time in a long time. It's sad that I can't remembering saying that three word phrase to her.

I have to get home. Quickly, I wipe the tears away from my face as I walk out of the gardens. I need to get back into the party, find Hannah and tell her she has to give me a ride me. She's not going to want to.

Entering the house, I notice more people have arrived and there is hardly any moving space. Practically everyone is drunk off their asses. Can you expect more? Not really.

Looking through the mass of people I see Hannah at the dining room table with her shirt off. She's clad in only a black bra. Mike is sitting next to her with his hand on her thigh. I walk over to where they are sitting.

"Hannah?"

"Mary! Everyone this is my best friend. She may be a little screwed up, but aren't we all. I love her to death, isn't she awesome?" Hannah slurs. She throws her arm around my waist in a clumsy, drunken fashion. Well her driving is out of the question.

"Hey, Hannah."

"Do you wanna play? We're playing strip poker." Placing a hand over her mouth she giggles, "I'm losing." Everyone at the table has all of their clothes on. Hannah is the only without any clothes on. They must be cheating.

"Not exactly." Bending down I ask her, "I have to go home. Something came up."

In a loud voice she states, "Why do you want to leave? This party is great."

"I have to go home," I repeat, making sure she understands every syllable falling out of my mouth.

"Mary you are too serious all the time. I think you need a shot," she suggests, completely off topic.

I shake my head, "No. I don't need a shot."

"Yes you do. You have to have at least three otherwise I am not giving you my car keys. I don't trust myself to drive and you have no other way of getting home, so you have to take three shots and then I'll give you my car keys."

This makes no sense. She wants to give me her car keys if I take three shots of some alcoholic substance. She's entrusting me to drive her car while I am slightly inebriated also. Sometimes drunk people are funny, but other times they just plain scare you.

"Sweetie I don't think so. I'll just walk home." I walk out of the dining room, then the house. I know I shouldn't leave her there, but what am I suppose to do? I'll come back after I calm my mom down and tell Dad to take care of her. They may not be speaking to each other right now, but I know that he will do pretty much anything for her.

I walk down the cold streets of Hartford. I'm only about ten minutes away walking. Now I regret not taking my coat. It's February and I am freezing.

Through the front door of the house, it's quiet. A typical night in the Dugrey household isn't exactly bustling with joy, but there is an odd feeling in the house. I need to find Mom. The maid will know. I go to the kitchen expecting to find Tina, but it's not her sitting at the kitchen counter. It's Dad. There's a big bottle of vodka next to him. I can see that he's already downed half of it.

"Dad, where's Mom?" I ask.

He takes a long breath, "Upstairs in our bedroom. Crying." He's decisive and acting like he doesn't care. I can see though in his dark blue eyes that he does. It's killing him that she's crying about him. They've been through this so many times before.

"Did anyone call tonight?"

"Someone did. Your mom answered it."

I sit down next to him at the counter. He takes a sip of the clear liquid. Instinctively, I move the long glass bottle away from him.

Immediately he says, "Hey I was drinking that."

I ignore him, "Dad I need to talk to you." He doesn't say anything, so I assume he's listening. "I was at a party tonight and Mom called me. She was crying. Dad, Grandma Emily died."

"What?"

"She died. I don't know what happened, but Mom called me and said that Great-Grandma died. She didn't know what to do since you weren't talking to her."

He runs his hand over his face. He's tired of everything. Sometimes I can't help but think that I am like him, maybe a little too much. I think that's why I despise him so much. "What have I done? She won't even tell me when her own grandmother has died. Have I alienated her that much?" he asks himself. He's on the verge of the tears. Everything has been too much and has gone on for too long. For Christ's sake my own mother cannot tell her own husband that her grandmother has died. There is something so wrong in that.

"Dad, you need to talk to her."

"I know. I know," he repeats not looking at me. Suddenly he lifts his eyes and faces me,

"Mary, am I bad father?"

"Don't ask me that," I rise out of my chair.

"Am I bad father?" he repeats louder.

Shaking my head I respond, "I can't answer that question."

"Mary please tell me. It's all I ask."

"All you ask? Don't tell me that's the only thing you ask of me." I begin walking away from him.

"Don't walk away from me! I am your father!"

"I am not having this conversation with you," I say defiantly. When it comes to my parents, I'm not exactly what you would call obedient. They never really established a discipline in me. I hate to say this, but it was one of the many things that they never did in my childhood.

Comforting me in times of need was also something my parents were never good at, but when it comes to them I always could put on a good show. That's what I did. I went and comforted Mom in her time of need.


	4. Opening Up A Little

Hey everyone! I am so sorry that I have not been able to update. There just has been a lot of things going on and I haven't had a chance to write. This chapter is unfortunately a little short, but the next update (which I don't know when it will be) will be long, I promise. Again, I just want to thank everyone for reviewing and it makes me happy when you gusy do, so feel free to continue doing so. Thanks again! -Lauren (manydreams1216) 

We had a bonding moment. Reckon it did come with someone's death, but it did happen. It finally happened. We were actually mother and daughter for a moment. A real moment. It was real. That's what is so crazy about it. It was real. I didn't imagine it.

You know when you're younger you imagine things. For most people it's their future wedding, their future career, their future family that they fantasize about. For me, I imagined my current family. My current family that could possibly be a family. A real family. What is my fascination with realism? It's because it's real. Something I've hardly experienced.

We have to start planning the funeral. No doubt this is probably going to be a social event for the season. All the right people have to be there. I hate that. Someone dies and people show up to make appearances. It's not like they even really know the person. It's fake. All the time fake.

Emily Gilmore. What a woman. I don't think I've ever met someone like her. Since she's from the upper-class of Hartford society, one would expect her to be the cookie-cutter image of a Hartford wife: following the DAR protocol, throwing the right parties, being at the right parties, raising the right kids. No doubt Emily Gilmore did the first three right. The last one can be disputed. If you ever tell Grandma Lorelai that, considering her parents, she most likely would have been nothing more than the perfect child, she would laugh at you. I mean really laugh at you. She would be laughing for days.

Lorelai was rebellious at best. First, disgracing the family she had my mom, Rory, at the age of sixteen. Second, she refused to marry Rory's dad Christopher Hayden. Third, she took off and left her parents in the dust. Emily Gilmore, being Emily Gilmore, went on with her life for fifteen years pushing her daughter out of her mind. If she was out of sight, she would be out of mind, right? When Rory got into Chilton and push came to shove, Lorelai could not afford the tuition so Lorelai had to ask for money. That was when Lorelai and Rory reentered Emily and Richard Gilmore's lives again.

No doubt they were a little hesitant, but underneath the surface they were happier than ever. Not only did they have their daughter back, but their granddaughter could possibly be the daughter they never had. She was going to Chilton, the right school, and was promising. There my mom was, a fifteen year old unsuspecting girl that had no idea her grandparents were investing all their energy and efforts towards making sure Rory could restore the Gilmore name.

Of course, Emily's plan was put back with Rory's first boyfriend Dean or as Dad likes to refer to him, bagboy. Then there was Jess, the brooding New York bad boy as Lorelai calls him. He was also Grandpa Luke's nephew. Of course he was unacceptable. There was Dean again. Something really big happened with him. I've only heard the background whispers, but I think it had to do with Mom losing her virginity to Dean who was married. Something like that. At Yale there was Logan, who Richard and Emily definitely approved of. There was no getting past that. He was from a good family, had a "future", and by all means rich. Total of three guys before Dad. I know Dad was in there with Dean the first time, but Mom told me that didn't count. They both weren't old enough to fully understand their feelings for each other. I kind of snickered at that. It just made me laugh.

Anyway once Dad came into the picture all the cards were set. Emily had the daughter she never got with Lorelai. Lorelai Leigh Gilmore III was exactly what Emily Gilmore wanted and she got it. I remember Grandma saying that this was always true, but never with her. I always thought that was kind of funny. Anyway, Emily had always been the pillar of our family, keeping everyone together. I can tell you that I think the reason why Mom and Dad stayed together after the Logan affair was because they didn't want to disappoint anybody, especially Grandma. She had invested so much in that relationship.

Maybe that's why Mom is taking this really hard. There won't be anyone to talk them out of getting a divorce. Of course there will be Grandma Lorelai, but no one who really put a lot of time into making sure that they stayed together. And Grandma will want both of them to be happy.

This means that it's really going to happen. Mom and Dad are going to be divorced. Wow. I mean I heard it, but I never really digested it. It has just been there for the past eighteen hours, lurking in the back of my mind. No child wants their parents to get divorced. No one. I don't want them to get divorced. I want them to stay together. Rory Gilmore and Tristan Dugrey are meant to be together.

They promised that to each other. That's what you do when you get married. You promise to stay together forever. You promise through sickness and health, richer or poorer, to stay together. The value of marriage seems to have diminished over the years. No one really cares about it anymore. It's just there and if everything seems okay then it's as viable option. There is commitment that is suppose to be there. A real commitment.

That's something I've never been a part of. A commitment. Something real that means something. Joe and I had a "commitment" on the surface. We pretended to be the only partners of each other, but we both had other people. Part of the reason I started with Alex was because I knew Joe was screwing around behind my back. It wasn't the center reason, but it made it slightly more rewarding. Really I just wanted to try something new.

At one in the afternoon, my phone rang.

"Hello?"

"Mary–," I heard Alex say.

Immediately I cut him off, "Alex. Hey, I need to talk to you."

"Always the impatient one aren't we?"

"Can you not joke for one second Alex?"

I hear him laugh lightly, "Okay. Meet at the coffee shop on Main in Hartford at two."

Normally I would ask questions, but I just responded with, "Sure."

"Bye."  
"Bye." I hang up. He always knows how to get me with coffee. The addiction is something I definitely inherited from my mother.

Normally I would never ask my parents for permission to do anything, but for some reason I ask Mom if it's okay if I go out for an hour. She's says it's fine. I ask because frankly I want to have a relationship with them. I want to be able to call them Mom and Dad and not have this feeling that they aren't really my parents. I can start with Mom, she's more approachable, than Dad.

Quickly I change out of my sweatpants and into brown slacks with a white t-shirt. Casual, but nice looking. It kind of covers me up. I don't want to show Alex that I'm too messed up. I've always been good at that, covering myself up. Maybe it's a trait that I have acquired or maybe it's in my genes. Sometimes I can't help but feel that my whole family has these masks on and that they are really unhappy and tragic in a sense. Although the ironic part is that everyone around us envies us. I don't know why, it doesn't make any sense. Maybe we have the money and the status, but we lack the real things that matter. The things that make life worth living. For some reason they just don't exist in the Dugrey household.

I get to one of the more popular coffee shops in Hartford. After I order a black coffee, I sit down at one of the tables. I glanced around for a minute, before I pulled out a book. For some reason, I always bring a book everywhere I go. All my handbags have to have enough space to fit a paperback. After about thirty seconds, I found myself completely engrossed in the tale of Scarlet O'Hara and Rhett Butler. I have no idea how many times I have read _Gone with the Wind_, but it gets the same reaction out of me every time.

Suddenly I feel a tap on my shoulder, and I am snapped out of my reverie. I jumped slightly as the hand brushed my shoulder. I calmed down once I felt that it was Alex.

"Her nose is always stuck in a book."

"Alex," I start to stand up.

"No, sit still," he orders. "Still haven't touched your coffee?" he comments as I put my book away.

"I guess I forgot about it," I shrugged my shoulders.

"I never really thought that the story of Rhett and Scarlet is realistic," I gave him a confused look. He was challenging one of the most arguably love stories of all time. "Well there's this guy that could have any girl he wants, but he choses the one girl that is love with another man. Rhett has everything going for him and it just doesn't seem real. How could he possibly be in love with Scarlet, who is confused and essentially hopeless?"

I couldn't help but feel like he was trying to parallel us. Of course, _Gone with the Wind_, is nothing like Alex and I, but maybe that's why I like the story so much.

"Scarlet is confused, but she's not hopeless. She has a lot of things going for her and she wants to make the right choices. Granted some of the choices she makes, leads to the inevitable downfall of her marriage to Rhett and her gross underestimation of her love for him, but she does what she thinks is best," I refuted. There's this complex that I have. I can't help but fight with Alex on any issue that's present.

He laughed a little, ironic laugh. "However you can justify it Mary."

"What's that suppose to mean?"

"Exactly what it means."

There's a pause. He looks around at his environment and I just look at him.

Suddenly I blurt out, "I broke up with Joe."

He smirks a little. In a sense, it's almost evil. "If I heard correctly, he broke up with you."

"It doesn't matter, we're not together anymore."

"It does matter, Mary. I told you that you needed to make a decision if it was me or him. Now if he broke up with you, it made that decision easy for you. But if you broke up with him, then you chose me."

I sighed. Why does everything have to be so complicated? "I broke up with him. He somehow found out that I was going to do it, probably through Hannah, so he knew it was going to happen, but I definitely had already made the decision."

"Really?" he asked. He looked eager, almost like a kid in a candy store, finding out he could have anything he wanted.

"Yes," I smiled, relieved.

"Let's get out of here." He stood up and held his hand up for me to take as he came around to the side of the table I was sitting on.

I looked up at him. He wasn't smiling, but there was something in his eyes. Something that looked like promise and expectation of what could come. I place my hand in his and I stand up, walking out of the coffee shop and into the streets of Hartford with Alex holding my hand.

For the next hour, we were just walking. Walking around Hartford, holding hands, letting the whole world know that we were there. There together. Well I'm not too sure about the together part, but I guess you could say that we were together. I mean we were holding hands, that has to constitute for something.

We wandered into my favorite bookstore, called Under the Carpet. It has a lot of contemporary fiction, but then it has the classics. I can always get something there that satisfies my book cravings.

"Have you ever read _Pride and Prejudice_?" Alex asked me, while browsing the Jane Austen shelf.

"I've tried about seven times, but I can't really seem to get through it, why?" I look at him. I'm on the floor looking at Alexandre Dumas. I still haven't read _The Three Musketeers_, I should get to that.

"Just wondering."

"Have you read it?"

"As much as it would tarnish my image, yes I have."

I smirked at him, "So Alex Ryderstan likes Jane Austen. Who would have thought?"

"Don't think about using this for backmail."

"Me? Never," I insisted innocently.

He laughed at me and then I started too. We were just laughing. Everything was completely casual and we weren't worried about being caught. We stopped laughing and I continued looking at him and he did the same. His gaze never wavered, but he slowly walked over to me. He lowered himself and placed his palms on the floor, next to both sides of my body, leaned up against the bookshelf.

Slowly he placed his lips upon mine. It was the first kiss we had that wasn't marked by the suspense of getting caught or guilt. It was slow and sweet, allowing me to absorb everything about him.

It was almost like we were two innocent kids trying to kiss someone else for the first time. There was just something nice about it. And it scared me. Scared me like something I've never felt before.

I pulled my mouth away from his, "My mom's going to be worried about me."

"Since when has your mom been worried about you."

"My grandmother died last night and we're rebuilding our relationship, both of us decided to put more effort into being a mother and a daughter."

"Why didn't you tell me about your grandmother?"

"It's not really important," I said. This made him stand up.

"I can't believe you Mary. One minute you want to be with me, the next you're pulling away. Like I've said before it's all or nothing!" Alex yells.

I look around and notice everyone staring at us. "Alex, people are staring," I said quietly.

"Let them stare Mary. We don't have to hide this anymore. Or is this one of those things that it's better in the dark?" he questions.

Finally, I stand up. "It's not like that Alex and you know it. It's complicated."

"Life is complicated and if you haven't figured that out yet then you are in for a rude awakening."

I feel like crying. I won't do it though. I can't do it. "Are you going to cry Mary?" he asked in a taunting manner.

"No, I'm not!" I put the book I was holding on the shelf and walked out of my favorite bookstore.

How come I can't stop fighting with him or everyone for that matter? It just never stops, the fighting. One time it's with Dad, the next Joe, then now with Alex. I can't do this anymore.

I began walking toward my car, but Alex stopped me in the middle of the street.

"Mary you can't keep walking away."

I wrapped my arms around my chest. "Why can't I?"

"Because it makes everything harder. For awhile it makes things easier, but in the long run it just makes it harder," he says sincerely.

My eyes move toward the ground. He's right. Look at my parents, they have avoided their issues for all these years and look where they are. I don't want to be like them, but I can't help but fall into my usual pattern of behavior. I avoid things. May it be confrontation, or just addressing problems, I avoid it all costs, hoping it will solve itself.

"Don't fight this Mary. You know that I'm right." He doesn't mean this in "I'm right, you're wrong" scenario, but he means it realistic and sweetly. Unlike anyone, he can see that I've dug myself into this hole and everyday it just gets harder for me to get out.

I can feel his warmth as he slowly moves toward me. His arms wrap themselves around my short frame and my own arms around myself, become loose and find their way around Alex's tall frame. For once, I think I'm finally opening up.


	5. Scaling the Walls

Hey everyone! I still can't thank you guys enough for the reviews and everything. Feel free to offer suggestions and I'll see what I can do. A writer's inspiration are always other people that help them get to where they are. You all have been very loyal and here's the next chapter! I hope you enjoy it.

Lauren (manydreams1216)

"Mom, Dad, where are you?" I ask throughout the house. No one was in sight when I got home. Our house feels empty.

"Miss Dugrey?" Tina comes around the corner of the second story.

"Tina, where are my parents?"

"Mr. and Mrs. Dugrey went out for a walk. They told me to tell you, they would be back in about an two hours from 3:30."

I nod and then she walks away to continue her job of being in the shadows.

A walk. Since when do my parents go on walks? They have to be talking about things. A whole lot of things. There are definitely a lot of things they need to talk about.

I go into my bedroom and put on my music and I just lay on the bed, listening. Sometimes I get all these voices in my head telling me to do all these things. I can't do all of them. I can hardly deal with what's right in front of me. My eyes close and I fall into a dreamless slumber.

The only reason I know I fell asleep, is because two hours later my parents came into my room.

"Sweetheart, wake up," Mom says, quietly.

I open my eyes and see my mom sitting on the side of my bed and my dad standing right beside her.

"Hi."

"How did you sleep Mary?" Dad asks in a fatherly tone that's comforting.

I smile a little. "No nightmares."

"Good."

Mom smiled. She always looks like a little girl when she smiles. Most of them she looks so mature and refined, but it's nice to see her smile. It means that she's happy.

"So..." I say, trying to get to what they are doing standing in my room.

"We wanted to tell you something," Mom says.

"What?"

They both turn to each other and smile. Why is today so full of smiles? "Your mother and I have decided to not get a divorce," Dad announces.

"Really?" I say eagerly.

Mom places her hand on mine, "Yes."

"I'm happy for both of you."

"So are we."

I'm still puzzled as to why they are both in my room and we aren't doing this at the dinner table or something. The last time they have both been my bedroom with me is when they told me we were moving here from Geneva. Oh God, they are going to pull something life altering again. "What are you guys doing in here?" And the walls go up.

"Well, since your father and I have decided to stay together, we need to actually be together, so I'm quitting my job at the New York Times."

I interject, "That's it?"

"As you know, my job is in Washington D.C.," Dad starts. "We need to put an end to the amount of traveling I do, so we also decided that as a family, we would all move to D.C."

"No," I state.

"What do you mean 'no' Mary? This is not your decision to make." Now he's trying to have a say in my life.

I open my mouth in disbelief. "I'm not moving again."

"I thought you hated it here," Mom says.

"Well I did, but things changed," I try to explain. "I'm finally being able to find myself. Don't you understand? Hartford society may be pretty screwed up, but I'm starting to know who I am for once in my life."

Rory and Tristan look at each other. Sometimes they have these glances between each other. It's like that's all they need to understand each other. I want that. They definitely don't realize what they have. Sometimes I think they are just trapped within their own problems that have a hard time seeing the outside. Me.

I hate to sound like a neglected, ungrateful kid, but I've never exactly been number one on my parents' priority list. I was just kind of there growing up. Something that they brought to the occasional dinner party to show that they had a family and even all the problems they had they were able to pull together and keep the Dugrey name. After all, there had been no divorces in the Dugrey family since the beginning of, well, time itself I suppose. We are all good Catholics. What a bunch of hypocrites we are. I can't help but laugh at us.

"Sweetheart, we need to do this as a family. We need to start over. All of us–," Mom reasons.

Standing up, I interrupt her, "It's all the same excuse. 'We need to start over again, Mary,' 'It's for the best.' I hear it every single time you guys can't face reality. I think you're worse than me."

"Why do you want to stay? Is it Joe?" Mom, always the romantic.

I shake my head, "No it's not Joe." I'm almost laughing for some reason.

"Then what is it Mary? It has to be something. You've never fought with us before, except for this weekend," Dad says.

"You never notice me. I'm just the perfect daughter that you show off to all your friends. I mean absolutely nothing to you."

Dad's temper flares up. "You know that's not true! You mean more to us than anything," he insists.

"Really?" my voice gets louder, "Then how come you are always in D.C. Don't give me any of it's 'where my job is' crap. It's more than that. Is it because every single time you look at me, you think that I'm her?" I point at my mom. "Is that what makes everything so damn difficult? I remind you of Mom and everything you guys have been through. It has to be more than that okay? Am I just that horrible? I don't understand."

A look passes between them again. I hate when they do that. It makes me feel so damn out of everything. "Mary it's not like that," Rory says. "We love you. We'll love you more than you'll ever know. Your father and I have a hard time of showing it and we have a lot of problems. Tristan and I's marriage has not been exactly easy."

"I know okay? I know all of this. It's not like I haven't heard it before."

"What your mother is trying to say is that these past few years have been hard and we haven't been the parents we should have been. We both have noticed lately that you have not been yourself. You are out all hours of the night and we have no idea where you are. We want a fresh start for all of us. Maybe we can actually have some resemblance to a family," he laughs slightly.

For all potential purposes, we all know that that's not exactly likely.

"Didn't Grandma just die? Don't we have to stay here for all that stuff?"

"We do. That will take about two weeks and after that we are going to D.C." Mom stated. It almost sounded like a business engagement that they had to finish out in order for them to move on with their lives. It's like Grandma Gilmore doesn't really matter.

"That's it? I get no say in this whatsoever."

"No, you don't," Dad replied firmly.

"I hate you." I walked out of my bedroom.

Somehow I get to the backyard. It's not exactly a backyard, it's more or less a national park. I've always found a light solace in green places filled with trees and flowers.

When we were in living in New York City, I was about seven I think, my parents were fighting again. It wasn't really anything new. I didn't know what it was about, but I still think it had to do with the distrust of their relationship. My sneaking around habits began at this point. There was always a doorman that was stationed outside of the building we lived at in New York.

I couldn't stand to stay in my bedroom, so I snuck out of the penthouse apartment we lived in and went down the stairs, knowing the elevator might be the place where one of the attendants would be and force me to go back to my parents. I went around the doorman who was busy speaking to one of the other floor occupants.

As a seven year old, I walked around New York City all by myself. I've never really found it be a scary place. You would think that a seven year old girl might be frightened by the hustle and bustle of the big apple, but I wasn't. It was comforting to know that there were other people in the world who had other lives and other problems that were in no way connected to the neglect and unhappiness I felt. I wandered and somehow I found myself at Washington Square Park in the Village.

There was this bench and I just sat there watching everyone walk by and go about their daily lives. It was comforting. I must have sat there for hours gazing and trying to understand everything. Finally after about four hours, I realized I couldn't. There was actually nothing to really understand. At seven, I had that epiphany.

Somehow, I found my way back to the apartment. I don't really think my parents even noticed I was gone. I got back and I guess they retreated into their corners and the fighting had subsided. The next morning I was informed we were moving to Switzerland. Kind of funny how things like that happened.

"Mary are you out here?" my mother's voice snaps me out of my memories.

"Yeah, I'm right here," I call out from my position underneath the big oak tree that's off the right and in the back of our pool.

She follows my voice and she finds me sitting at the base of the big tree. Almost childlike she sits beside me and crosses her legs. I can't really remember a time when she's ever been so casual with me.

"Mary, do you honestly think that Tristan and I don't love you?"

I turn away from her. Softly a tear falls out my eye, I wipe it away. "I don't know."

"We do Mary. We love you more than you'll ever know."

I face her. "Then why don't you ever show it?"

Her eyes avert toward the green grass and she picks a blade and rolls it through her fingers. "It's hard. I know I should tell you I love you more often and we should spend more time together, but..." she trails off. After a second she composes herself. "You remember how you said that you remind Tristan of me?" I nod. "Well you remind me of Tristan." She looks at me.

"Isn't that a good thing though? You love him. You're married to him."

"Of course it's a good thing. It's hard."

I scoff a little. "Mom you can't use that excuse for everything. Just because it's hard doesn't mean you should walk away from it." Under my breath I mutter, "Wow I'm starting to sound like Alex."

"What?"

"Nothing just something someone told me earlier today."

"Who?"

"This guy. It's not important."

"Oh," she gives up.

"Wait, it is important." I take a deep breath, "Alex told me that."

"Alex who?"

"Alex Ryderstan."

She nods a little. Then the name hits her. "Ryderstan?" I nod. "Wow. Talk about playing with fire."

"That doesn't even begin to describe what it is. It's more like playing with hell and being damned for all eternity. It's something out of Dante's _Inferno_." Both of us understand what the Ryderstan name means to the Dugrey family. Mom's never really been one to conform with the Dugrey family particulars but there are definitely lines that you don't cross with them and associating with a Ryderstan is one of them.

"So you're not with Joe Wexler, is it?"

I shake my head, "No. We broke up last night."

"Huh. So the perfect boyfriend didn't work out for you?"

I laugh, "Nope, not exactly. But what is perfect really? It's boring isn't it?"

"That's why I married your father. Lord knows he's far from perfect, but he definitely gives meaning to my life," she states sincerely. She looks at me. "Mary I've been in my fair share of forbidden relationships and let me tell you, it's not easy and if you love him, which you're too young for, but if you do, then you need to make sure he's worth it."

"Like Logan?" I ask.

She breaths a little. I guess I shocked her by bringing up his name, "You know about that?"

"Mom, as you very well know, the Hartford gossip mill isn't exactly quiet."

"Yeah you're right." She stares at me, seeing if I'm capable of understanding what she's about to tell me. "You have to know that I never stopped loving your father. It's just that he," she pauses, "Well Logan was the first man I ever had a casual and exciting relationship. There was this other guy Jess before, but Logan wasn't serious about everything. The world wasn't going to end tomorrow and there were no restrictions. He could do whatever he wanted to do and there would hardly be any consequences. At first, I was hesitant because of you and Tristan. I loved you both so much, but then when your great-grandfather, Janlan died, your dad became very withdrawn and he hardly talked to me. We weren't what we were like before. There was no longer any happiness there.

"Anyway, that's when I started with Logan. For six months, we had a relationship behind your father's back. I regret it. It ruined things with Tristan and I. We've never been the same since. Sometimes I wonder if I just stayed and never did anything with Logan if things would be different. I guess I'll never really know."

I look into my memory of any Janlan Dugrey dying and it's not there. "I don't remember Great-Grandpa dying."

She took my hand, "I imagine you wouldn't. That was the one time I've seen your father cry. It was scary. Janlan was the one person in Tristan's life that allowed him to be himself. Ever since Tristan was born, he's been destined to take over the Dugrey empire. Essentially he was taught that was his life's purpose. He's never really been able to get over that.

"Mary you have to realize that life isn't simple for us. There are so many factors that influence what we do. Nothing's black and white."

"I'm starting to figure that out."

"Is Alex the reason why you don't want to leave?"

For once I'm honest with her, "Yes."

"Let me talk to your father. I won't mention the Ryderstan kid or anything, but I'll tell him that you and I are going to stay here. Is that okay?"

"Thanks Mom," I hug her.

"Your welcome. If that's all it takes to get you to give me a hug, we should do this more often."

We both smile at each other. "We should."

"I love you Mary."

"I love you too Mom. I'm sorry about saying that I hated you early," I apologize.

"Water under the bridge sweetheart."

"Good."

"Good. Let's go inside and join your father for dinner." She holds her hand out for me and I take it and we walk inside the house. Maybe for once it might be home.

Dinner was nice. There were no fights like the night before. We had good, casual conversation that didn't seem fake. It was real. It was nice.

After dinner we all sat down and watched a movie. _Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory_. Mom declared it her favorite. I looked at Dad and he just rolled her eyes and mouthed "crazy" to me. I laughed. It's nice seeing us like this. I understand that just yesterday we were all at each other's throats and most likely we couldn't stand to be in the same room with each other, but it wasn't like that tonight. I can't really get over it.

The next morning, my cell phone rang. "Hello?"

"Hey Mary it's Alex." I smile. His voice is just comforting.

"What are you doing today?"

"Nothing, why?"

"Do you want to hang out? No one's at my house." He just adds that in there. Classic. He says it likes it no big deal.

Nonchalantly I reply, "Sure."

"Great. See you in an hour."

"Yep."

I take a shower and then change into jeans and a white t-shirt.

Before I leave, I check with Mom if it's all right. Not surprisingly, she's in the library. Before this revitalization in our relationship, we would classify time spent together reading in the library not saying a word to each other.

"Mom?"

It takes her a second to get out of her haze. "What's up?"

"Is it okay if I go and hang out a friend's house?"

With a sly smile on her face she asks, "Would this friend happen to have a name that begins with an 'A'?"

"Do you want me to lie?"

"No."

"Okay then yes, this friend's name does begin with an 'A'," I reply.

"Go. Have fun. Just be back before dinner time."

"Okay," I leave the house.

I can't help but feel that Mom and I have connected on some weird level and have created this odd alliance that consists of her actually encouraging a relationship with a guy that in no way would be considered okay in the eyes of our family.

I drive to Alex's house. I knock on the door and he opens the door. He looks so good in just jeans and a polo shirt. I don't know anyone that can pull off the "I'm casual look" in designer clothes and make it look so natural. Only him.

"Hey," he greets.

Smiling I respond, "Hey. How are you?"

"Good now that you're here." Alex leans forward and kisses me lightly. "Come in." As we walk upstairs to his room he asks, "How was your night last night?"

"Good. Mom, Dad, and I all watched a movie together. It was nice."

He turns around and gives me an odd look with those dark black eyes that make me melt. "For some reason, I can't really picture Tristan Dugrey and Rory Gilmore watching a movie with their daughter."

"I couldn't either, before last night. I think that we've finally connected on some level. The past few days have been extremely rough with all the yelling and divorce threats going on. Mom and Dad talked out their problems and they decided to finally notice me for once in my life."

We reach his room. "I'm happy for you Mary."

"Thanks." I walk into the room that I have gotten to know all too well. It's an odd feeling being in a place that you no longer have to hide yourself in.

"So, what do you want to do?" I ask, feigning innocence.

He smirks. "Well, I was wondering if I could take my girlfriend out on a date."

I laugh, "Is that what I am now? Your girlfriend?"

"That is if you want to be."

"I want to."

"Good." He comes towards me and kisses me. Our first kiss as a couple was deep and meaningful. He still does it, make me burst from all parts of my body. He just makes me have this feeling of content and stability, but there's still excitement.

He pulls away from me and announces, "I"m going to take you to the movies and hold your hand in front of everyone and I don't care if anyone sees us."

I just smile at him. Everything is just right.


	6. Understanding the Feud

Hey everyone! How are you? Thanks for the reviews again. They really help. This one is kind of a filler chapter, but it slightly serves a purpose and you'll understand once you read it. Thanks again and keep it up.

Lauren (manydreams1216)

"So..." Alex says as we go back upstairs to his room.

"So..." I repeat. We saw the movie, which was good. It wasn't horrible, but the only conversation it generated was the amount of time it took for us to drive back to his house.

"What do you want to do?"

"Well I have to be home before seven, but we can do whatever we want until then." The movie at about 2:30. So we have more or less four hours to kill.

He smiles at me. "I know what we can do for four hours."

Now I understand what he's getting to. "Are you sure that you can last for four hours?"

He wraps his arms around me and looks into my eyes in a cocky air, "Well I know someone who says that I can last for four hours and even longer."

"Really?"

"Uh huh," he affirms. He begins kissing my forehead, then he moves to the side of my face. Planting light kisses on all over me except for my mouth, I become impatient. I just want him to kiss me. Really kiss me. I always like that.

"Aren't you going to kiss me?"

Murmuring against my neck he responds, "I am."

Out of breath I respond, "Yes, but you're not really kissing me."

He lifts his lips off of my body and places his hands on both sides of my neck. "You want me to kiss you?"

"Yes."

Alex shakes his head from side to side and stares up at the ceiling. "I believe I can manage that small request."

"Good."

He leans his head down and places his lips upon mine. It's soft, but passionate and refined. Not wasting any time he penetrates his tongue into my mouth. Sometimes I can't get over how he does that. Even if I don't want him to deepen a kiss, he just does it anyway. I can't help, but think that when it comes to Alex all rational thought goes out the window. Think about it. It's been like that since day one. I cheated on my boyfriend to be with Alex, normally that's not something I would do.

I've changed so much in the past four months. I was this shy, innocent, naive girl who had no idea what to expect from life. I had only seen love and all that stuff through my parents and frankly they weren't exactly a good example. There were still these notions of fairy tales in my head. They are still there, but I think that they're a little more realistic.

Maybe my prince is Alex, maybe it's not, but the person that's holding me right now is my prince for the moment.

Slowly, but surely his hands move from my neck to underneath my shirt. Then my shirt is lifted above my head. My dainty, little fingers, that Great-Grandma use to call "the essential part of the debutante hand," begin to travel to his jeans and unbutton the top button.

"Mary, you're tempting me," he says against my mouth, almost breathless.

"Do you want to stop?"

He shakes his head.

I unzip the zipper of his jeans and still connecting his mouth to mine, Alex removes his legs from his pants and throws them off to random part of his room. I was topless and he was bottomless. We still had undergarments on.

Somehow we ended up on his bed and I was on top. Of course, being Alex, he couldn't take that so he flipped me over. And he took control, to say the least. Basically we didn't just make out for four hours. There was a little bit more than that.

After we just laid there. His arms wrapped around me and we just stared at each other, looking into one another eyes. It sounds so cheesy, but it feels so right. He tells that I'm beautiful and perfect and for the time I don't tell him to stop. I may blush, but I don't tell him I don't want to hear it, because I do want to hear it. I want him to tell me I'm beautiful.

"What time is it?" I ask him.

He turns around and checks the clock on his night stand. "6:30."

"I gotta go in fifteen minutes."

"Why can't you stay?"

"Because I promised my mom I would back before dinner time. She's actually been supportive of me seeing you. It may not be direct, but she has not told me not to see you."

"Really? That's interesting. If my dad knew you were my girlfriend, I don't even want to know what he would do," he says.

"Huh, I met your dad yesterday and he seemed nice enough to me. I know we both don't exactly have the best relationships with our parents, but he seemed okay with me being here. He actually said he was glad to meet one of your friends," I explain. It is odd that he would think his dad would be totally against us being together. I know there is this whole feud between the Ryderstans and the Dugreys, but the head of the Ryderstan family seemed okay with me being friends with his son.

Alex sits up, "That doesn't make any sense. Ever since I can remember I have been told to never associate with Dugrey." He pauses. "Did he know your name?" he turns to me.

"Yeah, I told him I was Mary Dugrey." I rub his arm. "Don't read too much into."

"He's up to something, Mare. I just can't let him get away with whatever he's coming up with. He would never be okay with this whole you and me thing. Why do you think we've kept this quiet? It was one of the reasons why I was okay with us fooling around behind everyone's back for so long."

I get up. "What?"

"I just got so impatient and I wanted it to be totally exclusive between us. I still do."

"Are you saying we still need to hide this from everyone?"

"Of course. Do you actually your father would be okay with us dating?"

I think about it for a second. "No," I admit reluctantly.

"Exactly."

God, this is going to sound terrible. "I don't really want for us to keep this hidden. I like being able to hold your hand in public and stuff."

He smiles and kisses me lightly. "We can't do it though. Unfortunately that was a one time thing. I wish we could do it too, but we can't."

"Then how long are we going to be able to last? What do you want from us?" These questions had been lurking in the back of my mind. I hadn't really addressed them yet and I figure this is a better time than ever.

He doesn't say anything for a moment. I think he's trying to come up with the right answer. Really, I just want an honest one. "Believe me more than anything, is that I want us to be together. I don't want us to hide it, but in order for us to be together right now we have to." He holds my hand.

"Alex, I hate to break it to you, but you're always going to be a Ryderstan and I'm always going to be a Dugrey. There's no way around that. As much as I wish it wasn't true, it is. We can't change the past Alex."

He kisses my forehead, "I know. I know."

I slide out from underneath the covers and start putting on my clothes. "I'll see you tomorrow at school okay?"

"Yeah."

Within a minute, I'm dressed. Without saying a word, I leave his room.

I descend down the stairs and I am about to reach the front door, when I hear, "Miss Dugrey is that you?"

I gasp, then slowly I turn around and see Mr. Ryderstan, "Yes. I didn't know you would be here, Mr. Ryderstan, Alex said the house was empty."

"Please call me Ken. I took an early flight from Prague."

"Oh," is all I can manage to say.

"If you can, I would really like to have you over for dinner one night this week. You and Alex seem close and I want to get know some of his friends. How's Wednesday night for you?"

"I'm not sure."

"What about Thursday?" he insists.

I look down at the floor and fiddle with my hands nervously. "My great-grandmother just died and I don't know when all of the services and what not will be taking place, but I'm sure another time can be arranged."

"I'm sorry for your lost, Miss Dugrey. I trust everything is all right?"

"Yes, we're handling it as well as it can be."

"That's good to hear. I hope you have a nice night Miss Dugrey. Good night."

"You too." I left the house. The whole conversation kind of strikes me as odd. Dugreys and Ryderstans are suppose to hate each other. At social events in Hartford, Dugreys and Ryderstans reside on opposite sides of a particular room or party. It's like they are in their corners ready for a boxing match or something.

One time, there was this big winter party at some family's house, I don't know who, and I went over to this long table to get some finger foods. Me, being stupid, didn't know that this one appetizer table was on the Ryderstan side of the party, or at least their corner for the night. I guess I scream "I'm a Dugrey" and someone noticed me and hastily I was brought back to the "correct" side of the party.

I was only five when this happened. I didn't understand what was going on. Now, I look back on it and realize that it was just so petty. It all seems so dumb, I guess. Does anyone even know what our families are fighting about? Maybe it goes back two hundred years, since the Revolution and all that stuff, but frankly get over it. Part of me thinks that this whole thing is just a way for both families to maintain a sense of aristocracy about them.

Supposedly, the United States is free of all aristocrats, but America has its own breed of royalty that consists of the rich, elite. And Hartford has its own royalty. The right last name can get you places. No matter who you are. If I had a different last name, I could be with Alex with no hesitation. Sometimes I just want to be a Smith or James or something. Something that has nothing to do with Hartford's infamous elite. You'd be surprise about how people react to your last name. It's a bizarre thing. They hear "Dugrey" and suddenly their opinion of you is raised ten points or down ten points, depending on who you are talking to. It's definitely interesting. It's like telling someone you're a "Bush." You're going to get a reaction, whether it be good or bad, but there still is this unfound respect you receive. It's undeserved. At least, that's what I think.

You're probably wondering what this whole Dugrey-Ryderstan feud is about. I hardly even know. The backgrounds of both families is a big part of it. We've both been here since Thomas Hooker, the founder of Connecticut. Not only that, but both of our families are big in the area of law and business. During the Industrial Age of America, both families' sole concentration in law expanded into the business arena, making not only the legal field competitive, but also the business field of both family ventures. It was either you belonged to the Dugrey corporation or the Ryderstan corporation, you didn't belong to both and if you didn't belong to neither then you weren't important enough.

Maybe it's just business deals they're fighting about, but I can't help but think that's it more than that. Who knows, maybe it is nothing more.

Two weeks ago was when I discovered the whole feud. When I was five and there was the party incident, I was not aware of it. Now after this one little thing, that was when I discovered it.

It happened during school. Alex decided that he wanted to bring our little affair to the school, which I wasn't necessarily to keen on, but I went along with it. I was merely walking down the hall by myself to fourth period, when someone grabbed my arm and pulled me into a storage room or something.

"Who is this?" The whole room was dark and I had no idea who would be behind something like that.

In a husky voice, Alex responded, "It's me, Alex."

Learning it was him, I hit him. "How dare you! Don't you think people will see? You are so stupid sometimes."

"Mary," he whispered in my ear, "Calm down."

"No I will not calm down, you almost exposed us to the whole entire Chilton student body!"

"There could be worse things." He started kissing my neck.

"Like what? Get off of me."

Alex continued what he was doing for a moment, completely disregarding my protest, then said, "If our parents found out about this, that would be even worse."

"What are you talking about?"

He placed his hands on my shoulders, "Don't you know anything?"

"What?"

"The Dugreys and Ryderstans don't get along, to say the least."

"So them finding out would be worse than the entire Chilton population?" I ask.

"Yes," he states firmly.

"Why?"

He looked at me with disbelief. "You've never heard of the feud our families have?"

"No."

"Wow you really are innocent and naive," he commented.

Annoyed, I replied, "Hey, I resent that."

"It's not a bad thing. That's what I like about you." He kissed me on the lips for a moment. He would do that to shut me up. I always thought it was a very effective tactic. "Mary, our families hate each other. I'm not allowed to even talk to you. When my father found out that you were going to Chilton, he told that I had to stay away from you. However once you became junior class president, he realized that I had to associate with you in a school-related capacity and he had to be okay with that. Other than that, I am not suppose to have any contact with you."  
I couldn't help but laugh. "You have got to be kidding."

"I'm not," he replied seriously, "Mary, I think your father would feel the same way."

"I don't believe you."

"Well you have too."

"Let me ask Hannah. She has lived in Hartford longer than me and she has to know of something about this."

He smirked. "Fine. Do what you must."

"I will. Goodbye, Alex I have to go to math," I started to leave.

He grabbed my wrist, "Wait." Then he kissed me forcibly. I hate to say it, but I like it when he takes control of me. For some reason with him, he makes me feel safe and comfortable, but excited at the same time. I've needed someone like that for a long time and he's filled that.

I went to my math class and I passed a note to Hannah. _Hannah, I know this is random and something I should probably know about, but what is this whole Dugrey-Ryderstan feud? -Mary._

_Mary, you're right, this is something you should know about. Anyway, in Hartford the Dugreys and Ryderstans do not associate with each other. The only time they do is when they are at the same parties together and they completely avoid each other at all costs. Everyone in Hartford is either with the Dugreys or the Ryderstans. This is going to sound weird, but do you notice how some people don't talk to you? Well, that's because they are with the Ryderstans. My family is with the Dugreys, that's one of the reasons why we're such good friends. I love you beyond that, but doesn't it kind of make sense now? -Hannah_

_I guess. I don't know. But now I understand what you're talking about. Thanks for the info. -Mary_

Hannah told me everything I pretty much needed to know. Nothing more, nothing less, just enough to understand what Alex was talking about.


	7. The Cycle

School. Sometimes I just really hate school, especially school when it's on a Monday. The weekend just happened and you're still tired because you didn't get a lot of sleep, as much as you should have. Ahhh.

Especially this Monday. This weekend was filled with lots of drama and Chilton won't let the drama stop till about Tuesday and if it's incredibly juicy, not till Thursday. By Friday, everyone is anticipating the next weekend and all its possible outcomes.

I arrive at the "off with their heads" institution and try my hardest not to look at faces. Eyes tend to make me incredibly weak. Walking down the halls, I stare at the floor, not looking at anyone.

"Mary!" Someone yells at me. It's Hannah.

I look up and turn around. "Hannah."

She catches up at me. "Hey, I haven't seen you since Friday, what's up?" she asks me.

"Not too much. How about you? The last time I saw you, you were a little more than slightly inebriated," I smile and laugh a little.

"Ha ha, very funny. Nothing happened, that I wasn't aware of."

"Are you sure?" I question, sarcastically.

She puts on her hands on her hips, "I completely and totally resent that! What about you? You broke up with Joe."

"Yes I did," I stated.

"And?"

"And what?"

She smiles wryly, "What about that guy you told me about? The one that you very well know you should have no relationship with, but you happen to have the most intimate relationship you can possible have?"

I whisper, "People can hear you Hannah!"

"Fine, but I want details later. I've got to go to class. See you later!" She almost skips off to her next class. Sometimes I seriously wonder if she is the same girl I see on Friday and Saturday nights. The one with her shirt off, playing strip poker with people she hardly knows and the one that can read through me like a book. I don't really understand. She always has been a mystery to me.

I go through the first four periods of the day fine. I can hear people whispering but I just ignore it. Lunch comes and I sit at the table, that I normally sit at. Joe's there, but he sits on the other end of the table engaged in conversation with his friends. Right now I suppose it's the silent treatment that we are in.

Looking around, everyone is in their normal positions at the right table. The hierarchy of high school.

Alex is at his senior table with all his friends. We're on opposite side of the huge lunch room, but we still find each other's eyes. He looks at me and winks and I smile back. We both continue our school day without any contact until after seventh period, the end of the school day.

My cell phone rings and I check the caller ID and it's perhaps the one person that I want to talk to the most.

"Hey," I try not to sound too eager.

"How was your school day, beautiful?"

I laugh a little and smile into the phone, "It was okay and yours?"

"Same old Chilton. It's better now that I'm talking to you."

"You are such a charmer."

"Yes, but you seem to fall for it so I see no objections."

I laugh. "What are you doing right now?"

"Going home and meeting you there in fifteen minutes," he replies assumingly.

"A little presumptuous today are we?"

"With you I always am."

"You're right about that. I'll see you soon, bye."

"Bye."

I close the top of my flip phone and I hear a familiar voice in my ear. I haven't been expecting to hear it for quite a while. "Who was that?"

"What do you care Joe? You're not my boyfriend anymore," I respond forcefully.

"Was it your new boy toy or should I say Alex Ryderstan?"

My eyes widen in fear. I'm too shocked to say anything. "You honestly think I didn't know? You were fucking him behind my back and you didn't think I would notice? At all?"

"You're a jerk," I start walking away.

"Now let's not cause a scene Mary. I know your little secret and that's put you in a very interesting position."

"This has nothing to do with you."

He smirks in a completely conniving way, "And I wonder what your father would say if he knew about your little affair with his nemesis's son."

"What do you want?"

"I want what you gave to Alex and you never gave to me," he said seductively.

"No."

He grabs my wrist. "Do you want me to tell Mr. Dugrey about Ryderstan or do you want to do what I ask of you?"

"You'll never get that out of me."

"Fine. Have it your way." He turned around.

"Wait. I'll be at your house at 8. Don't do anything–," I gave in, pleaded almost.

"I get it. I won't tell your father anything. I'll see you tonight, my little Mary."

I feel myself almost crying. I have to find a way out of this. If I don't something, I'm going to have to sleep with him. I can't do that. I never thought of myself as someone who would hate anyone. Of course, I would say that I hate someone, but it's not like I hate them. I mean truly hate them, but Joe just gives me this feeling of dread that I can't stand.

Ten minutes later, I get to Alex's house. I don't even bother to knock. I just enter in a complete state of panic.

"Alex!" I burst into his room.

"Mary, don't you normally knock?" he asks in his usual sarcastic tone of voice.

I disregard his useless question. "Something happened after I talked to you and it's really, really bad. Joe found out about us and he is threatening to tell my dad about us," I say quickly.

He understood what I was freaking out about. "How did he find out?"

"I guess he knew while we were dating. Oh my god, what am I going to do?"

"What does he want?"

I can't say it. "He wants me...He wants me to," I try to say it, but I'm all out of breath. The first man I had sex with is sitting right across from me and how am I suppose to tell him that my ex-boyfriend wants me to do the one thing that brought my current boyfriend and I together.

Alex wraps his arms around me and I fit into him perfectly. "Oh Mary, we'll find a way out of this. There's no way that I'll let him do anything to hurt you."

"What are we going to do? How are we going to stop Joe from saying something?" I ask incessantly. "I told Joe that I will meet him at his house at 8 and we can come up some kind of bargain or something. Alex, I can't do what he wants me to do. I just can't."

He stops me, "I know. There is no way that I'll let him touch you."

Lightly, I kiss him. Somehow he has this way with me of making me calm and more comfortable and that together we could take on the world or something. It's sounds way too romantic and too idealistic and makes me sound way too dependent, but he makes me feel confident.

"Maybe I can just talk to my mom and she can talk to my dad. They are rational people, most of the time and I think they might understand. What else am I suppose to do? If I don't talk to them and Joe says something they are going to freak."

"Why don't we just deny it? I mean how are they suppose to know?"

"My mom knows and after everything I don't think she'll be up for the idea of lying to Dad," i reason.

"Fine. What if we do go to them and they tell us that we can't be together? I can't be without you." Why does he have to be so damn charming and sincere? It kills me.

My only response is, "I can't be without you either, but if Joe tells my parents don't you think that it will be worse than if I tell them about us?"

"I understand where you are coming from–"

Suddenly a thought cam to me and I cut him off, "Wait. What if we tell your dad?"

"I'm sorry, but did you just say tell my dad?"

"Yes. Yesterday he wanted me to have dinner with both of you and he seemed like he likes me. I mean of course it's a little sketchy, but it seemed truthful enough. It seems like he wants to be a part of your life and why don't we use us as an advantage?"

He shakes his head and lets go of me. "You're insane. I can't believe what I'm hearing. You're not making an sense. My father doesn't care about me Mary! He cares about the idea of me. The possibility that I'll be the one to take over the family business, which is inevitable, but nevertheless, he doesn't care about me."

"Why don't you just try talking to him?"

Alex runs his hands through his hair. I don't understand why this is so upsurd. "It's not going to work Mary," he insists.

"Why not?"

"You don't know my father like I do."

"Fine, l don't do it." I fold my arms across my chest. Maybe reverse physchology will work.

"Don't give me that look."

I'm not giving a look. "I don't know what you're talking about. Alex you are very adamant about not doing this, so go with what you want to do. I'm not going to force you to do anything."

He comes closer to me. "Do you really want me to talk to him?"

"It would make things easier, but you don't have to."

"I'll only do it if you are there. If my father likes you the way you say he does, then it should go well right?"

"Yes."

"Okay." He kisses my forehead and hugs me tightly.

"I'll talk to my parents tonight, is that okay?"

"Do you want me to be there?"

"No, I think I can handle my parents for one night. Dad's been in an extremely good mood and if Mom's there it will be fine, I think."

He nods. "Mary, I love you."

"I love you too." He said it before, but had never said it before. And it was the first time I returned the words and hadn't been pressured to. They kind of just flowed out of me.

I left to go to talk to my parents. Dad didn't go back to D.C. last night. I think I kind of made him feel guilty about never being around.

"Mom, Dad?" Voices are coming from the kitchen and it sounds like they're laughing. Maybe it's them. I walk through the door and see large cups of coffee on the kitchen counter in between my parents sitting on stools.

"Mary, you're home," Dad says.

"Yeah."

"How was school today?"

Better go through the small talk. "It was good I guess. You know how Chilton is."

"Yeah, I'm afraid we all do."

"Like you would know. You made Chilton hell for me!" Mom exclaims.

"Really? I always thought you liked the attention I gave you," he says playfully.

She shakes her head, "I hated it. You always made me feel uncomfortable and embarrassed."

"But you liked it."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"You had to like it a little bit," Dad insists.

She gives in, "Okay maybe a little bit." She expresses the amount with a tiny space between her index finger and thumb.

"I knew you had it in you." Tristan bends his head down and kisses Rory. It's sweet and playful, but they are my parents and it can be a little more than I want to see.

"Okay, okay your daughter is in the room." Innocently I put shield myself from their activities.

"Don't you want to know how you got to be here today?" Dad jokes.  
I laugh, "No. I prefer the stork dropped me on your doorstop story thank you very much."

"Fine, fine."

No one says anything for a moment. I figure there isn't a better time than the present right? "Mom and Dad. There is something I have to tell you and I'm not sure you're going to like it."

"You're scarring us a little Mary. I hope it's not anything absolutely horrible," Dad states concerned.

"Oh no. It's not anything horrible, but I just don't think you're going to like it," I repeat.

"I think we can handle it."

"I'm dating this new guy–"

I knew he was going to interrupt me, "What happened to Joe?"

"We broke up." He doesn't say anything so I just continue, "Anyway...this guy is really great. He treats me right and he loves me. I mean I'm probably too young to exactly understand that, but I know he does. You know what I'm talking about? That feeling of just pure content and happiness, but there's still that excitement."

They both nod. "We know what's that like. Your mother and I have had that since we first met."

"Good, so you understand that being with this person that makes you feel this way is one of the most important things in the world?" They nodded. "What if I told you the guy that makes me feel this way is a Ryderstan?"

By the look on my dad's face kind, I think he needs a little more clarity. "What do you mean he's a Ryderstan?'

"My new boyfriend is Alex Ryderstan."

"You mean the son of Kenneth Ryderstan?"

"Yes."

He takes a deep breath. "Are you serious?"

"Yes!"

He stands up. "Mary you can't be with a Ryderstan!"

"Why not?"

"Because he's a Ryderstan!"

"It doesn't make any sense. Just because you and his dad have some sort of feud doesn't mean that I can't be with Alex."

"Of course it does. You know what the whole rivalry is about and you should understand."

"Well I've never actually heard the rivalry from the horse's mouth. So why don't you tell me why I should despise him?"

"It's complicated."

"It's always complicated. I got time to kill and you don't have any pressing appointments so why don't you tell me the whole deal? The whole reason why Dugreys and Ryderstans don't get along." It's the least he can do for me. If I can't be with Alex he has to give a good enough reason. I don't know if that will stop us, but Dad can try.

He sits down and I think he's a little more calm. "It goes back over a hundred years. What happened was that my great-great grandmother, Mary Anne, was engaged to a Ryderstan. Now there was friendly competition going on between the two families. It was nothing like the scale it's at today. The feud is actually why I never wanted to be a part of the family business, but I'm doing my duty. Anyway, Mary Anne discovered that the man she was in love with was cheating on her. Now this was only the beginning. Not only was her fiancé cheating on her, but the Ryderstan family was planning on taking over the Dugrey corporation. The marriage was supposed to be a segue into the take over. Much to the dismay of the Ryderstans, Mary Anne told her father what she had learned and not taking this lying down in typical Dugrey fashion we fought back. We pulled all of our assets out of the Ryderstan corporation. They had quite a time recovering. Only about fifty years ago did the Ryderstans get back on their feet again.

"Mary, you have to understand that it's not just a business feud. It's personal. They completely humiliated our family in front of not only Hartford, but of the world. Granted we made them pay for it, but everyone thought that we were completely blind not to notice that there would be a merger of sorts that would result from the marriage. While they lost our assets in their company, we had to find new business ventures to place them and we had a hard time too. After that whole fiasco the Dugreys went into a dark period. We were suspicious of anyone that wanted to be a part of the family or the business. People that we didn't deem worthy enough, allied themselves with the Ryderstans. That's why there is a huge division in Hartford's social scene," Dad finishes.

It's kind of a lot to take in. I never really knew the exact pinpoint of all the rivalry and now I know. It makes a little more sense, but I can't help but feel that happened over a hundred years ago. "Dad don't you think it should be over by now? I mean this whole thing happened like a hundred years ago and shouldn't we rise above it?"

He grunts in frustration. "It's not so easy Mary. I wish it was. I wish that you could be happy with Alex, but you can't be with him. It's not in the cards and it never will be."

I stand up in indignation. "Well I'm afraid that I can't accept that. I'm going to be with Alex whether you want me to be with you or not." I start to walk away from them.

"Tristan, she loves him. You can't tell her she can't be with him."

"Did you know about this relationship?"

Mom is a terrible liar, "No...not really. I only heard her mention it once or twice."

"Rory I thought we said that we weren't going to hide anything from each other anymore? Secrets almost destroyed our marriage." He's angry.

"I knew this is the way you would react if I told you!"

"That doesn't justify it!"

They are fighting again. God I hate it when they do that. I thought things were going to be different. In despair, I continue my way up to my room. Immediately, I put music on in order to drown out their screaming. Occasionally, a shout slips through so I just raise the volume.

It gets to be 7:45 and I assume the fire has ceased at least for this round. Now I have to see Joe. Ugh, I don't want to do it. Although now he has nothing over me so he can't get me to do anything I don't want to do. I just have to be confident and tell him that it's over.

Walking up to the door, a feeling of dread comes over me and I can't help but shake this feeling of something bad is going to happen.

"Mary right on time," Joe greets. He's just so slimy and conniving. It's this look that he has.

"I am on time. How are you?"

"In a few minutes I will be. Come on in."

God why am I so nice? It always comes to bite me in the ass. "No I'm not going inside."

"And why not?"

"Because my parents know everything and you telling them would do nothing," I reply.

He grins almost evilly and like he doesn't believe me. His tall and imposing body leans against the door frame. "So Mary decides to tell the truth for once."

"I did and it's not a rare occasion like some people." Damn I knew I should not have said that.

"You lied to me almost every single day of our relationship, Mary. I don't think that constitutes you as an honest person."

"Okay maybe I did lie to you, but that didn't mean you didn't deserve it. You cheated on me since the beginning and the whole thing with Alex didn't happen until three months later and if I remember correctly during the first weekend of school you were with some freshman."

"I had my reasons. You weren't satisfying me," he states confidently.

"Really?"

He scoffs, "You gave it up to Alex so quickly and I never really understood why you weren't so accommodating with me."

"Because..."

"Because why?"

I take a deep breath, "Because I never loved you."

"Isn't that classic?"

"Joe you have to believe me. I never wanted to hurt you."

"I never wanted to hurt you either."

It almost seems like he is sorry, but there is a certain gleam in his eye and I know that it's not because he feels bad about our relationship.

Completely unaware of what was happening, he kisses me hard. Incredibly hard. He forces himself on me. I manage to pull away and muster, "Joe stop!"

"I'm not going to stop." He continues kissing me and I can't stop him. This is so different from Alex. I don't know what to do. He won't listen to me. I can't help but think that he is intoxicated.

His hands travel down my body incredibly roughly and before I know what's happening he pulls me inside his house. His lips move to my neck and I try and push him off me. "Joe stop!" I scream.

"Don't you get it Mary? I'm not going to stop."


	8. Never Will Be

Hey everyone! I still can't get over how supportive you are. I know that this story is a little weird, but I appreciate all the positive feedback. When I wrote the last chapter, honestly I didn't think it was that much of a cliffhanger, but I guess it was. Sorry about that. It kind of gives it a little edge though...anyway. Thanks for everything and I hope you like this chapter. It's kind of short and I'm sorry, but I will try to make the next chapter even better! Thanks!

Lauren (manydreams1216)

An hour. It took him an hour to finally stop. He got what he wanted too. I don't even want to think about it. I can't think about it. You know what the ironic part of this whole thing is? I can't even cry. Every other event in my life I cry. I just can't.

Somehow I fell asleep and now I am looking in my mirror applying the cover up. It's funny how something as simple as makeup can seemingly make almost all of your problems go away.

My parents don't notice, but that's expected. I walk out that front door and they don't even wish me to have a good day. I guess it's not all smiles now? Most likely I'll be banished or shunned. Maybe I'll be sent to military school. That'll be a kick. It all comes back into a circle.

Now I have to hold up another day at Chilton. I go my locker and retrieve the necessary books.

Suddenly someone whips me around and I wince in pain, but he doesn't notice. He just kisses me instead. Alex. I haven't even had a chance to react, but I give in. It's passionate and totally and completely not a nice, little, how are you kiss. Wait, aren't we in the middle of the Chilton hallways?

I pull away, "What are you doing?" I whisper.

"I told my dad and he knows so we have nothing to be afraid of." He's smiling. He's happy. "I mean of course this isn't an ideal situation for our parents, but what are they going to do? Stop us? I don't think so. And besides as much as I didn't want to say it before, I really do want to hold your hand in public."

Weakly I smile, "I told my parents too and they weren't exactly happy about it, but they'll deal." I look down at my hands holding my books. For some reason, I can't look at him.

"What's wrong?" he asks concerned.

"Nothing," I look up at him and rub the back of my neck.

"No, you're hiding something from me."

"I'm not."

"Yes you are. You think I don't know you Mare, but I know your looks." He places his hand on my arm and I flinch away. "Why did you just do that?"

"What do you mean?" My eyes go back to the ground.

"You wouldn't let me touch you."

"It's nothing." I shake it away.

"Oh it's something." He takes me into an empty classroom. "Show me."

"What?"

"Now you are just getting me angry." I don't say anything. "You went to Joe's yesterday."

It was more of a statement than a question, but I respond, "Yes I did. But that doesn't have anything to do with this."

"He forced himself on you didn't he?"

How does he read me like that? Again, I don't say anything.

Alex comes closer. "He hurt you." His eyes run over my face and my neck. He raises his fingers to my cheek and feels the makeup. "You never wear makeup," he states. Then he starts unbuttoning my sweater to see the other damage.

"Don't do that," I say meekly. I don't want him to see anything.  
"Mary you have to let me see."

"Later we have school right now."

He takes his hands off of me. "Fine." He doesn't look at me.

"This is why I didn't want you to know," I mutter.

Unfortunately, he hears me. "Did you let him do this?"

"No! Are you kidding me? I yelled at him to stop and I cried. It didn't work. God, how could say something like that?"

"Mary, he raped you for God's sake! Come on."

I start to cry. I bury my face in my hands. Why does Alex make me realize things like this? Joe did rape me and I shouldn't be hiding it. I should've told Alex last night. It's just so complicated all the time. Now I'm starting to sound like my dad. It should be easier.

"It's going to be okay," he wraps his arms around me and holds me close to him.

I shake my head, "No it's not."

"I'm going to make it." He lets go of me and stomps off into the hall.

"What are you doing?"

"Something I should have done a long time ago."

I stand in the doorway half divided between staying where I am and following him. I follow him. Of course he's in the exact place and with the exact person I don't want him to be interacting with.

Without even saying a word, Alex walks right up to Joe and pushes him into the lockers.

"What the hell is your problem!" Joe yells back.

"You. You're my problem." Alex throws a punch that connects right with Joe's nose and there's blood. This is no going to be pretty.

Joe cocks a smirk, knowing what this whole thing was about, "Did that little whore of yours tell you how much she enjoyed me last night?"

"Don't you dare call her that."

"Really? Well she is."

Alex hit him again.

"Is that all you got Ryderstan?" Joe incites.

Before Alex has a chance to respond, Joe punches Alex in the stomach and Alex grabs his mid section with pain. Definitely going to leave a bruise. Again Joe hits Alex in the face. I can't watch this anymore.

"Stop!" I scream standing in between the two of them.

I put my hand to Alex's face to make sure he's okay. "Are you all right?"

"I'll be fine."

"Oh isn't that sweet, little Mary comes to the rescue," Joe taunts.

Pissed I turn around, "Stop Joe."

He smiles, "You didn't tell me that last night."

"Shut the hell up!"

He comes closer to me. "You know that's not what you want."

"Yes it is," I insist. "Stay away from me and my boyfriend. If you ever touch us again, I'll–"

"You'll do what? Call the cops. There weren't any witnesses."

"There doesn't have to be witnesses."

A crowd starts to form around the three of us. I don't really notice them. I'm too engrossed in my fight with Joe. I'm not letting him get away with this. "You know what Joe, maybe the cops wouldn't hurt you. Maybe if I just told the whole entire female population of Chilton exactly how tiny your dick is, then maybe this would be settled."

His eyes widen and people start to laugh. He sends them death glares and they become silent. "I know many girls who will say differently."

"Are these the ones you were sleeping with behind my back while we were dating?"

"Yes, because you weren't good enough."

"Really? Because I don't remember sleeping with you at all during our relationship. In fact, I was sleeping with Alex the entire time, which you know of, because you weren't good enough."

He groans heavily. "You are so going to pay for this Mary." I don't say anything. He mouth comes dangerously close to my ear and says, "It'll be just like last night." Now I'm mad. He starts walking away, but I grab his arm and knee him in the groin. He falls to the ground and forms himself into a ball. That felt incredibly good. Finally I get the last word.

After I accomplish the embarrassment of Joe Wexler, I turn my attentions toward Alex.

"Do you want to get out of here?"

"Sure," he smiles even through the large black eye he's developing. "I never knew you to be a ditcher Mare."

"You learn things new about me everyday."

"That is very true."

We share a smile and then we walk out of Chilton. I have never ditched school before this moment. I don't know what's come over me, but I've decided not to go to school today. It's a weird, liberating feeling and I don't feel at all guilty about it. Okay, maybe I feel guilty a little, but not to the extent of which I thought.

I look at Alex's face as we drive away in his car. Nothing but a brand new Ferrari. What else to you expect? Anyway, I notice that a bruise is starting to form and he's shifting uncomfortably. Joe definitely hurt him.

"Are you okay Alex?"

"Nothing that a big bottle of aspirin can't cure."

"Let's stop at my house and we can get you some ice for your face and look at your stomach. I don't want you to be in pain," I say concerned.

He gives me a weak smile. "Aren't your parents home?"

"I don't know and for once in my life I don't really care."

"Okay then, we can stop at your house before we go and waste the day away."

"Good plan." I reach over and kiss him on the cheek.

"What was that for?"

I smile, "For defending me. Not once in my life has someone ever beaten up somebody else for me."

He laughs, "Well I'll have to do it more often then."

"Yes you do. Okay well maybe not, but still I appreciate it."

In a serious tone he says, "We are going to have to talk about this Mary."

"I know. Just not now, later," I respond looking at the road ahead of us.

Alex doesn't say anything. He'll let me think about it for a few hours, then he'll ask again and I'll tell him. I wish it didn't have to happen. I wish everything was different. Maybe if this whole Dugrey-Ryderstan feud didn't exist then Alex and I could be together without any problems and life maybe would be simple. I hate it. I hate that our parents hate each other and that we have had to hide this from the whole world. It's just dumb and stupid. That's all it is.

Taking all precautions, I have us enter the house through the back door that goes straight to the kitchen, where all the medical supplies are. I go to the fridge and realize that there are things in here that I have never even seen before. After the thought, I find the ice pack in the freezer and hold it Alex's face.

"You're cute all domestic," he comments.

"I guess I should take that as a compliment."

"You should."

"Does it hurt?"

"Just a little. I've had worse."

"Really?"

He lets out a harsh laugh, "According to my father, I'm not exactly the best kid in the world. I got his a lot."

"I'm sorry."

He shrugs, "It's no big deal. I'm sure other people have it worse." He's always thinking about other people. The other people that don't have the privileged life we live. The other people that don't have the same advantages. Always the humanitarian.

"There are a lot of things I don't know about you, huh?"

"I'm sure there aren't a whole lot of things I don't know about you."

"Nope, I'm pretty sure you know everything."

"You're right, I probably do," he laughs. "I know every single expression you make. Every single way you kiss me. Every single curve of your body. Every single way you say my name when we–"

I stop him there, knowing it very well could get rated R in a few moments. "Okay, okay. I get it. Well I know all those things about you too."

"Really?" Alex moves his mouth towards me. He's taunting.

"Yes," I insist. "I know exactly what to do to make you..." I can't finish the sentence. My innocence is kicking in.

"Make me what?"

"You know."

"I do." He kisses me softly. These are the moments we cherish. The moments that we can pinpoint and dissect every single action. I wish I just had more.

Unfortunately this moment wouldn't last. "Mary!"

I pull away from Alex and see the last person that wants to see me and Alex. "Dad. I didn't know you were home."

Alex's face moves to any place that isn't directed at my father. I don't blame him at all.

"Aren't you suppose to be at school?" Tristan asks.

"Well yes, but something happened and I can't be there today."

"And I can only assume that Mr. Ryderstan here can be the cause of what happened?"

"No he wasn't the cause. He was involved, but he did nothing."  
Dad laughs that almost mean laugh. "Oh and the ice pack to his face has nothing to do with what happened at school today?"

"The only thing he did was protect me."

"From what Mary?"

I hate when he does this. "From Joe."

"Wexler couldn't have done anything to you. He's much better than this piece of Ryderstan trash."

Alex doesn't exactly take this one lying down. "Mr. Dugrey I hate to be disrespectful, but do you know what hell Joe put your daughter through?"

Quietly I say, "Don't Alex, please."

He hears my plea, but insists that he must tell Tristan.

"He raped her. And I wasn't going to let my girlfriend go through that. I love her Mr. Dugrey and I won't let anyone hurt her."

Dad's face just reeks of shock and immediately he looks at me and walks towards me. "Did he really do that?" He swallows hard.

"Yes," I say through tears.

"And you told him before you told me and your mother?"

"Well..."

Alex interrupts me, "She didn't tell me, I figured it out myself."

"I should have noticed. I'm sorry Mary," Dad expresses. It's the first time I've ever heard him say that. He hugs me. "I'm so sorry. This never should have happened. Why?"

"He told me that if I didn't then he would tell you about us, so that's why I told you about Alex and I last night. I still went over there to tell him he couldn't do anything then he forced himself on me," I explain with tears falling out my eyes. It was so hard to tell him, but at the same time it wasn't. It was like I should have told him earlier.

"Oh Mary." Dad just kept holding me tighter and patting my hair. "I'm so sorry."

"It's not your fault."

"Of course it's my fault. We've neglected you Mary and now you are in this situation." Tristan pulls away from me and looks at me. "We have to call the police."

"Dad..." I plead.

"We have to bring this to the authorities."

Alex agrees, "Mary your dad's right. We have to tell the police. We can't let Joe get away this. He hurt you in the worst way possible."

They both look at me. I run my hands through the long brown hair that adorns my head and I feel like pulling it out. "I can't."

"You have to," Dad says.

"No, you don't understand. I can't. I can't talk about it."

Alex's hand grabs mine. "Mary we can take this slowly. We don't have to be in the room. You just have to tell the police what he did. Then he can be put behind bars and you'll never have to see him again."

"It's not that simple. Dad, you know the Wexlers. They won't take this lying down. There's going to be a huge court case and I can't do that. I just can't."

Dad rubs his hand over his mouth. "I know what you're saying. The last thing I want you to do is to go through that again. I have some of the best attorneys on my staff. They'll take care of it. I'll have an attorney go in with you."

I groan in frustration. I don't want to do it. I can't do it. "You make it sound so easy."

"It can be easy."

"I can't Dad, I'm sorry." I walk towards the dining room to the living room.

Behind me I hear, "Mary! Come back here," Dad insists.

Then softly I hear Alex's voice. "Mr. Dugrey, let me talk to her. Please."

No one says anything for a few moments. Dad must have nodded or something because Alex comes over and places his arm around me. Slowly, he tries to convince me that I should tell the police and my dad is right about all the lawyers and stuff. I keep insisting that I can't and I need time. I look into his eyes and I think he's knows what I am saying. I mean, I just can't. I'm not strong. I never was. And I don't think I ever will be.


	9. A Trip Down Memory Lane

Hey everyone! Sorry about the late update, but I've been busy with work and what not. On Tuesday I am leaving for New York for two weeks and I won't be able to update till I get back...(I want to, I really do, but I can't). Thanks for the reviews. I cannot believe I have 68 reviews. It is just amazing. Keep it up and I can't wait to write more of this story. As a little side note, I am toying with the idea of a prequel. Of course I am not finished with this yet, but I am thinking about it. If you think that it would be a good idea, let me know and I will definitely write it. Thanks again!

Lauren (manydreams1216)

Dad let it drop. Although, knowing my dad he won't let Joe get away with nothing. There is definitely going to be some type of retribution. Maybe financially or politically with his family. The Dugreys seem to somehow be involved with everyone's business. I don't know how or why but they just are. Perhaps it's just one of the more unexplainable things in life.

There is even a good side to this. Dad met Alex and it wasn't absolutely horrible. I mean I wish the circumstances were a little better, but you don't always get what you want. They didn't kill each other or anything, which is always a good thing. It's going to be awkward, but I think we can look past that.

Alex went home and I decided to spend the day reading in the library. When we first moved to the new house in Hartford, Dad made a point to make sure that it had a library. Dad reads, but nothing like Mom. Every time I see her, there is a new novel in her hand. Sometimes Dad makes jokes about how bookwormish Mom is. The saying opposites attract really does fits with them.

"What are you smiling at?" Mom asks me.

I didn't realize it, but I really am smiling. "I don't know. I'm just thinking. I guess."

"About everything that happened?" She sits down on the big, comfy maroon chair next to me.

"No," I shake my head. "About you and Dad."

She tucks a piece of hair behind her hair. "Why were you thinking about Dad and I?"

I shrug a little. "I guess I just always wonder how you guys ended up together."

"Well, that's an interesting story."

Eager, I lean forward. "Please can you tell me."

Her blue eyes look off into the books, then she focuses on me. "Do you know where your name came from Mary?"

"My name? No."

"I was new to Chilton in my sophomore year. I had a really bad morning because I was running into people and what not. Anyway, your father was the king of the school. He constantly had girls around him, throwing themselves at his feet and everything. I guess I was different. I was the only one to resist his advances and he decided that I was completely pure and innocent and named me Mary, as in the Virgin Mary."

"You mean my name is a pet name Dad gave you?"

She laughs. "Well I guess it is. When you were born, you came out and Tristan and I looked at you, then each other and named you Mary. You were innocent and cute and adorable and it just fit perfectly." Mom gets lost in memory. She smiles and you can tell that moment was one of the more happier moments in her life. It's nice to know that I made my parents happy once.

After a moment I ask her, "When did you and Dad start dating?"

"In college. I was in my third year of being a journalism major and I had moved to my first off-campus apartment that I lived in by myself. My boyfriend of the time, although I don't know if you can call him that, was taking me to fancy parties all the time and I got bored with it. It was glamorous and everything, but it gets boring after awhile. Anyway, at Christmas time I went to my grandparents annual Christmas party. It was suppose to be like all the other ones. I was going to be introduced to people, eat finger food and smile. Easy, right? One moment I was being introduced to some 60 year old man and the next Tristan Dugrey was right in front of me. I could feel this look of complete and utter shock come over me and he made some smart comment about how he knew I was waiting for him and how incredibly good looking he was. He wasn't exactly wrong, but I wasn't about to admit it. He told me that he was transferring to Yale in the spring. Then I avoided him for the rest of the night.

"I'll never admit this again, but I was scared. The last time I saw him was at the Romeo and Juliet play and he told me that he would kiss me if my boyfriend wasn't watching. It was weird. I was never supposed to see him again. I guess you never get what you wish for."

"So you never liked Dad before college?" I ask.

"I've thought long and hard about this and I must have liked him at some point in time because I kissed him when I was sixteen. I never told anyone about that incident and I must have been embarrassed or something. I don't know.

"Anyway, I didn't see Tristan till February. There was this tree I always used to read at and I was sitting there, reading when I saw him and immediately I put the book up to my face to hide from him. My efforts failed. Tristan stood in front of me, begging for attention and I put on a smile and gave him what he asked. We made some small talk and the next thing I knew we had scheduled a coffee date for the next morning."

"Weren't you dating someone?"

She shifts a little uncomfortable and tries to find an explanation. "I was. It was Logan Huntzberger. We kind of had the no-strings attached relationship going on for about a year. Of course he was dating other people, but I could never bring myself to. Then Tristan was there and I decided to go out on a date with him. I didn't expect it to go anywhere and I thought we could be just friends. Although honestly I think I knew that Tristan and I could never be just friends. You see we tried the whole just friends thing in high school and it didn't work out.

"So, I went out with Tristan the next morning and it was a lot better than I thought. We laughed and talked and it was comfortable. Your dad didn't pressure me into anything and he was actually all ears about hearing my relationship with Logan. He also told me his opinion which was that I deserved someone better who would actually give me what I wanted. The next thing I knew, I was breaking things off with Logan and then I went over to Tristan's apartment and I kissed him."

"Mom, I hate to say this, but I don't think I can ever see you doing that," I comment.

She smiles, "I never thought I would do anything like that either. The whole thing was totally out of instinct. Your dad was even shocked. I had never done anything like that before. Anyway, your dad and I started dating. He gave me anything I could have wanted and I fell in love with him," she says in a whimsical daze.

"And he fell in love with you."

Mom sighs. She's still in love with him after all these years. "You can say that. So we got married three years later and then a year after that we had you. Mary no matter what you think or how we act around you, we love you. You are more than anything we could have wanted in a daughter."

I nod, "I know."

Her hand reaches across the armchair and holds mine. "Really?"

"Yes Mom. It's just..." I can't complete the sentence.

"It's just what Mary?"

"It's just this year has been really rough. Heck the past few days have been rough. I don't know." I pause and then for once in my life I decide to actually say what I feel. "I haven't had anyone to talk to about everything. Mom, I've done a lot of things this year that I haven't told anyone about, especially you. I don't mean this disrespectfully, but do you even know me? Do you know my favorite movie and favorite color? I know it's petty and I don't want to be mean, but you have no idea who I am."

She swallows hard. She's trying to say something, but she can't.

"I know that your life has been hard and has not been exactly nice to you, but you have a daughter who has no idea who she is. I'm so confused."

Reaching out, she rubs my shoulder. "Mary, I'm not a good mother. I never have been and I probably never will be. I'm sorry, but I can't change that. It's not that I don't love you, because I do. You are so important to me." Tears are welling in up in her eyes and I can tell she's about to cry.

Why do we have to be so sad? Why do we have to be so messed up? "Mom, I'm not asking you to be Mother of the Year or anything. I just want you to be there. I want you to at least try. Can you at least try to be a mom?"

Wiping away a tear she replies, "I'll be there. I'll be there the best I can."

"Really?"

"Really," she affirms.

"Good that's all I ask."

"And you never ask for anything," she says softly. "You are a much better daughter, then I am a mother."

"Mom, I just want to be happy. I want you to be happy. And if luck goes my way, I want you and Dad to be happy. Together."

She sighs. "We're going to try Mary. We are really going to try."

"Good. When Dad said you were going to get divorced, I was so mad. I didn't want you guys to break up. I was so sad. And all those other times you would fight, I would cry myself to sleep because I had this feeling that it might all end. Then when Dad stopped coming every weekend, I started spending more and more time with Alex and I just kind of dug myself into this hole, that I had no way out of. I guess on Friday, I just kind of exploded. I'm sorry about all the temper tantrums."

"Don't worry about it. Your feelings are totally and completely understandable. I probably would have done the same thing." She doesn't say anything for a moment, as if debating something, then she asks, "How far have you gone with Alex?"

I must say I knew that question would come at some time. "Well," I start hesitantly.

"Mary, if you are worried about me telling Dad, don't be," she consoles.

"That actually wasn't what I was worried about, but that's besides the point. You promise not to judge me at all and react in a neurotic way?"

She nods, "I promise."

"Well I have gone all the way with Alex." I feel my face scrunch up in a nervous way. I don't really know how she'll react at all. She could be totally relaxed and calm about it or she could get really mad. "You're not mad are you?"

"I'm not mad at you. If anything I'm mad at myself and that has nothing to do with your relationship with Alex. I just have to make sure of one thing. Are you safe?"

"Yes." I've been on the pill for the last six months and 99 of the time Alex uses a condom. There have been a few instances when he hasn't, but I always make sure that I'm the pill, so there's no way I could get pregnant.

She breathes a sigh of relief. "Good. That was the one thing I was worried about. My mom had me when I was sixteen and even though I am glad I'm here at all, it was extremely rough for her."

"I know."

"Good. Do you love him?" she asks.

"Yes. I love him." I've never told anyone that before and if you would have told me a month ago that I would be sitting in front of my mother and telling her I was in love with Alex Ryderstan, I think I would have died from laughter.

We sit in silence for a moment then she states, "Tomorrow is your great-grandmother's funeral. It starts at one, so you can miss school for the day, if you want."

"Sure."

She rises out of the reading chair, "Well I think I'm going to go to Star Hollow's for dinner. I probably won't be hone till late, so don't wait up or anything."

"Mom, can I go with you?"

Surprised she replies, "Sure."

I don't why I want to go with her. Maybe I want to see Grandma Lorelai and Grandpa Luke with Mom. Maybe I want to show Lorelai that I'm not the bitch she thinks I am and I'm making an effort with Mom. It was totally impulsive and driving in the car to the small town of America I am having second thoughts. As much as I don't want to admit Lorelai scares me. Especially after that confrontation on Friday, I don't know how I am going to be able to face her. I am slightly proud of myself that I stood up to her, but still I'm afraid to see her.

"We're here," Mom says.

I only nod showing my knowledge of the fact. We pull up in front of Luke's Diner, that has the appearance of a hardware store, but inside you can see people eating hamburgers and french fries. I will never understand these small town quirks.

From the first moment, walking out of the car I almost feel like everyone in the town square's eyes are on us. It's almost like they're judging me. Immediately, this older woman, whose heyday was probably in the 50s, comes up and starts chatting away with Mom about one of her former husbands who knew Frank Sinatra or something. Not more than thirty seconds later the woman asks who I am.

"Dear, who is this young girl here with you?" She addresses me, "You look like a dancer sweetheart. The only thing that's missing is that you need to be about four inches taller, but you have the beautiful face and slender figure. I could really turn you into something."

Mom interrupts the woman in her speech, "Miss Patty this is my daughter, Mary. Mary this is Miss Patty, my former dance teacher."  
"Nice to meet you," I extend my hand out of politeness.

"Wonderful to meet you to darling. Have you considered dance though? I think you would be wonderful."

"Miss Patty, Mary's about as uncoordinated as me. Tristan's mother had Mary in dance classes when she was little and they actually had the nerve to ask us to stop signing her up because she had no potential. Who would have thought that my daughter would be a horrible dancer?" Mom jokes. I only smile knowing my horrid days in a leotard. I still can't believe that Mom ever took dance classes. It sounds ridiculous, but yet I would pay to see it.

"Really well maybe you should take up acting. You really do have a gorgeous face, no doubt a product of your mother."

"Thank you," I say shyly.

"Think about it. I am a wonderful acting coach too. Rory, darling, I'm afraid I have to go. I have a first year class in five minutes and the kiddies are already arriving. Ciao, see you soon." Miss Patty waddles off in a hurry. The people in this town are crazy.

Before anyone else comes up and starts talking, Mom and I go into the diner. The first thing I hear is Grandma Lorelai talking about being old and all the vitamin C pills Luke has been making her take haven't stopped the aging process. He merely tries ignoring her, but she won't stop incessantly talking.

Finally he turns to her and says, "Lorelai, you're getting older, I'm getting older and one day we are all going to die and nothing is going to stop it."

Lorelai just frowns at him and then turns around. She sees us at the door.

"Rory! Someone who loves me and knows that I will be an immortal goddess forever has graced us with her presence!" She runs up and wraps her arms around my mom.

"Mom, nice to see you too. Are you tormenting Luke again?"

"No, he's tormenting me!"

We all go to the counter. Grandma hasn't acknowledged me yet. She might still be mad at me.

"Mom, Mary came to visit too," Rory tries to get Lorelai to notice me.

"Yeah, I saw her," she replies without emotion.

Luke comes back from taking orders and is the first to say anything to me, "Mary it's so great to see you. It's been a few months hasn't it?"

"Yeah."

Awkwardly he hugs me. I can't help but feel that Lorelai has softened him a bit. He has a gruff appearance, but he you know that he has a good heart and means well.

"She was here on Friday," Lorelai states grumly.

"I didn't see you," Luke says to me.

"Yeah I kind of left in a rush," I say softly, remembering Friday's events perfectly.

"I wish I would have seen you." God, I missed Luke. He's always been nothing but nice to me.

"Me too."

He smiles.

"Mary wanted to have dinner with us tonight, is that okay?"

In a sarcastic tone, Grandma replies, "Of course it's okay. Why wouldn't it be? The little brat can have whatever she wants."

"Lorelai," Luke says warily. I just try not to react to it.

"No Luke. This girl has the nerve to show up on my doorstep saying she wants to talk to me about something when she knows that I know all about her and Rory's relationship and she treats her mother terribly. I can't believe my daughter has such a-"

Okay I can't take it anymore. "A what? A bitch, right? You won't say it, but I know you want to. You really want to know why I wanted to talk you? It was because I was seeing a guy behind everyone's back that my parents would never approve of and I was stuck in a horrible position that I didn't know how to get out of. You were the one person in the world I thought I could trust so that's why I came to you. And about Mom and I's relationship, I am sorry about that. I have talked to Mom about it and we decided we are going to try to be better. I know I lied to her a lot, but that's going to change."  
"Finally the Gilmore in her shows. You were always such a Dugrey. I mean you are the Spawn of Satan's daughter, but at least you got the Gilmore spirit."

Mom finally cuts in, "Mom! Why are you so mad at her? She's just an innocent sixteen year old girl."

"Because you always tell me that you don't know your daughter because she lies to you all the time and I'm sorry for sticking up for you because you never will."

"Listen Mom, I know I've told you about that, but most of it is my fault. I've been so involved in my own life and my potentially failing marriage that I haven't had time to focus on my daughter, which is completely inexcuseable. She was acting out of rebellion towards me."

"Rory, don't make yourself out to be the bad guy."

"But I am the bad guy!" she yells. "I've ignored my daughter for the past eleven years! It's my fault. Mom I'm not perfect! You have to accept that."

Lorelai shakes her head. Quietly she questions, "What happened to you Rory? You were such a good kid. It's like..."

"It's like ever since the whole Logan thing happened I haven't been the same?"

"Yeah."

Rory rubs her back. "I know. I ruined everything. You and I haven't been the same. We still are us, but you don't look at me the same way. No one looks at me the same. I think I lost the innocent and naive part of me that I had for so long and made me who I was. I'm just someone different now."

Luke and I looked at eachother. We both knew what they were talking about although we both had been outsiders to the whole fiasco. It's funny how one little incident can change everything. Granted this wasn't one little incident, but when it happens you don't necessarily think about the impact it has. It's a ripple effect.

After a moment, Luke suggests that we all go to his and Lorelai's house for dinner. We all make our way over to small house that has a larger than life personality. It looks lived in. Maybe I've just never noticed it before, but our house looks like no one lives there and this house just looks comfortable and worn in. I want a house like that.


	10. Demands

Hey everyone! I'm sorry this chapter is kind of short, but I promise it's got some good stuff in it. I felt bad being on a two-week hiatus and everything. Thanks again for all the review, you jsut keep making me want to right more!

-Lauren (manydreams1216)

There's a light knock at my door the next morning.

"Come in."

Dad walks in and sits on my bed quietly. I'm in my closet trying to figure out what to wear to Great-Grandma Emily's funeral. I know I have to wear black, but I'm unsure what black dress I should wear.

"Mary, can I talk to you?" he asks. It sounds serious.

"Okay." I make my way over to where he is sitting on the bed and sit next to him

"You're not going to like what I have to say, but I have to say it."

"You're scaring me Dad."

He looks me in the eye. "Well you're scaring me. Mary you can't see Alex anymore."

"What do you mean I can't see Alex anymore?"

"You can't see him anymore."

I get up off the bed. I can't believe he's saying this to me. "I don't believe you."

"Well you have to."

"Dad, I love him."

"You're too young to know what love is," he says harshly.

"I'm too young to know what love is? Are you kidding me? Do not talk to me about love." I pull my face away from him. I can't look at him right now.

He doesn't fight me. He just says plainly, "Dugreys and Ryderstans don't mix Mary. They never have and they never will. If I ever see you with that Ryderstan kid again, you will be sent to a boarding school in England. I've already made the arrangements. All you have to do is look at him and you'll be gone." And with that he walks out of my room.

I can't see Alex or I'll be sent to England. Did Dad actually say that? I can't believe him! He has some nerve. I've got to talk to Mom about this.

"Mom! Mom! Where are you?" I scream through the house.

She comes out of her office down the hall. "Mary what is it?"

I march down to her, "Did you hear what Dad said?"

"What did he do?"

I take a deep breath then say, "He said I couldn't be with Alex anymore and if I continued seeing him that he would send me off to boarding school in England. Mom, I love him and I can't be without him. I don't want to go England!"

In an incredulously tone she explains, "I don't believe it!"

"Well that's what he said."

"I can't believe he would do this now of all times. He knows we leaves for Grandma's funeral in an hour. I'm going to have to talk to him." To herself she mutters, "He should have done this tonight."

"What did you just say?"

"Nothing dear."

"No, you just said that he should have done this tonight. Did you know about this?"

"No." I think my mom is an even worse liar than me.

"You knew about this? You knew that he was going to tell me that I couldn't be with Alex? Why can't we just be honest in this family for once? I don't understand. Yesterday, Dad was seemed okay with Alex. I mean they aren't going to be best friends anytime soon, but he tolerated him. Ugh!" I groan in frustration.

She shrugs knowingly, "Mary, you have to know that a Dugrey and a Ryderstan being together isn't going to work." Mom sighs. "We'll talk about this after the funeral. Go get ready we have to be there in an hour. After that everyone is going to come back here so don't do anything you'll regret," she warns.

Right when I thought we were going to have a better relationship. I'll be damned if I let my parents say who I can and can't love. Why can't everyone just get over this whole thing? I need to talk to Alex. He's the one I always run back and tell everything too. He's probably the one person that really knows me.

In an hour I got ready to go to the funeral. I'm even bringing sunglasses, but something tells me that I won't exactly be crying over my great-grandmother. That's sounds absolutely horrible, but I hardly even know the woman. I mean I saw her at the occasional family get together, but the only times I spoke with her was when she wanted to know if I was doing as well as my mother did in school. I always gave her the right response and then she would just move on to the next person to talk to. I don't really blame her. After all she was a product of Hartford society.

Riding in the car there is complete silence. No one is speaking to each other. There's the occasional whisper from Mom or something, but nothing of substance. The one action between them that I notice is that in the front seat they are holding hands. Their fingers are entwined in a loving way and once in awhile Dad will bring up Mom's fingers to her mouth and kiss them lightly.

I hate to admit it, but maybe he does know something about love. He loves her with every single part of him. I can only think of how much it hurt him when Mom cheated on him. The one person that ever truly loved him had betrayed him in perhaps the worst way possible. Even if I don't like the way he thinks, I have to respect him for the way he always finds the good part of Mom.

There's this unspoken bond between them that can't be broken. Logan rattled it a little bit, but it's there and perhaps as strong as ever. I don't want to sound selfish, but if that bond is strong enough, there's no way I'll be able to be with Alex. Mom can give into Dad's demands, which it seems like she already has, and then where will I be? I know they love me, but can they really expect me to give up on something that I've wanted for so long? After all, I only want to emulate what they have.

I only want that one person that I can spend the rest of my life with and be completely and totally happy with. I know Mom and Dad fight a lot, but as ironic as it sounds, I think it helps them stay together. They are able to cherish those moments when they're not fighting, like now.

The funeral, was well a funeral. There's not much you can say. I guess the only thing that makes this an interesting funeral is the fact that everyone who is anyone in Hartford was there. These are the same people that are at all the right parties and all the right country club events and their kids go to all the right schools. Everyone came back to our house for the party, if you can call it that, and as usual I know absolutely no one.

"Miss Dugrey, I'm sorry for your lost. Emily was a great woman," some guy with gray slash white hair says.

I nod solemnly pretending to listen to him drone on about how wonderful a dinner party hostess she was. I can't really say anything because I hardly know her. My mom would go over to the Gilmore house pretty often, but I never went with her. Occasionally Dad would go if he was in town. He's always been good at keeping up appearances.

God, I can't listen to this guy talk anymore. You think he would get the picture that if I don't say anything, then maybe he should just stop talking. Maybe he just likes to hear himself talk. I hate these type of people.

Finally when he pauses for a moment, I interject, "Excuse me for a moment."

Behind me I hear him mutter to himself, "Poor girl."

"Mary, can you come here for a minute?" I heard Dad call from across the room.

Reluctantly I walk over to him with my head down. I don't want to look at him.

"Mary this is Mr. King, the admissions director at Yale. Mr. King this is my daughter Mary."

"It's a pleasure to meet you. I've heard great things about you," the elder man states.

In protocol he shakes my hand, "It's good to meet you too."

"Your father tells me that you are interested in attending Yale."

For the first time I look at my father. It's not a look, more of a glare. He knows I want to go to NYU, not Yale. I've made that very clear over the past few conversations we've had about college.

Through my teeth I reply, "I suppose it's an option."

"Your mom and I both attended Yale," Dad chimes in. "It was one of the best experiences of my life and your Mom loved it too."

"I know," I mutter under my breath.

"We have some of the best undergraduate programs in the country and offer excellent opportunities for you to expand your horizons. From what Tristan has told me, it sounds like Yale would be a perfect fit for you," the Yale spokesman says.

"I'm sure it would be," I pause. Then something occurs to me. I'm going to be rebellious for once. "Although I don't want to go to Yale."

Both the man and my father look at me.

I continue, "I actually want to go to NYU, in Manhattan."

"NYU is an excellent school Miss Dugrey. If you'll excuse me for a moment, Tristan." The elder man leaves.

Smiling at myself I begin to walk away, but then I feel a strong hand on my shoulder. "Mary," Dad says in a restrained voice.

I turn around to face him. "What my dear father?" Sarcasm drips from those syllables.

"How dare you embarrass me or yourself for that matter in front of Mr. King. You have just effectively ruined your chances of getting into Yale."

"So?"

"That's all you have to say."

"Yes. Dad, I don't want to go to Yale. I've told you for the past six months that I want to go to NYU."

"You don't know what you want."

The volume in my voice rises, "You think you know what I want? That's the biggest load of crap I've ever heard. I hate how you think you have all this control over me. You don't! I'm going to do whatever I want to do. Whether that be going to fucking NYU or fucking Alex Ryderstan."

Now I know I just turned a few heads with that one, but you know what, I don't really care.

"Mary," he says again.

"No, don't 'Mary' me." We're almost at a screaming battle in front of all of Hartford.

Mom saunters over. She must have heard all the commotion. "Tristan, Mary what is going on here?"

Before Dad has a chance to say anything, I give my interpretation of what just happened, "Dad thinks he can control my life and have a say in where I want to go college and who I can be with. And apparently so do you. Don't you both get that I'm not you? I may have some of your qualities, but that does make me you or Dad. I am my own fucking person!"

Angrily, I stomp out of the party. Wow, I can't believe I just did that. I mean not only did I just insult Yale University, but I seemingly ruined my great-grandmother's funeral after party and maybe destroyed my flawless image of the perfect Dugrey daughter. Tomorrow at school, there is going to be a field day. I can guarantee that half the people there have kids at Chilton. Crap, another thing for the Chiltonites to talk about.

In the heat of the moment, I somehow am able to make it to the part of Hartford that is home to Chilton Academy. I glance at my watch and notice that it's a minute till 3 o'clock. That means about 3:05 Alex will walk out of the "off with their heads" institution and I can talk to him. I can explain to him why I am so pissed off and he'll listen to me. The only person that will listen to me. I am way too dependent on my boyfriend. That's what he is my boyfriend. This isn't that weird.

The bell rings. Okay five more minutes and then I can see him. All the familiar faces that have blended together over the past year and half walk outside of the stone building. Some give me weird looks. They know I wasn't in school today and by the look of my attire I assume they can only guess why, but the real kicker is that they really don't know why I am at school. Oh well, I think I've given up on my reputation with inside these walls.

Great I see him. He looks so good in that uniform. God, the blue just goes really well with his dark eyes. Listen to me, I am turning into sap. Stop it, Mary.

His smiling eyes glaze over in concern when he sees me. Quickly he walks over to me.

"Mary, hey." He wraps his arms around me in a hug and I just melt into him. My knees almost give up.

"Hi. I'm sorry about showing up at school like this, but I had to see you."

He runs his hand along my cheek. "It's okay. I'm glad to see you."

"I really have to talk to you."

"What's wrong?"

"A lot. Can we to your house or something? I don't want to do this here in front of them."

"Yeah of course." He places his arm around my waist and leads me to his car. Like a gentleman he opens up the door for me and when I sit down he places a kiss on my forehead. I smile weakly at the gesture. It's stuff like that, that made me fall in love in him. I know I told him that I didn't want any of the cutesy stuff, but the only reason I didn't want that stuff was because it would make it too real. It would make it too hard for when it would have to end. And believe me, I didn't want it to end. Now more than ever that statement is true. It can't end.

The ride is silent on the way to his house. Alex understands that I just need to gather my thoughts. He looks over at me occasionally and tries to read me. He knows that something is up. He knows it's big too.

In his room with me sitting on his bed and him standing up he asks, "What's up Mary? You're scaring me."

I take a deep breath. "Okay well today was my great-grandmother's funeral and that's not that bad I mean she was like 90 or something, but anyway I got into a really big fight with my dad because, well, he told me that I can't see you anymore and that if I even looked at you I'll be sent to England to some boarding school. I don't get it! I mean come on. And then he's dictating to me that I have to go to Yale and I want to go to NYU, not Yale. I don't want to be like my parents."

He doesn't say anything for a moment, almost like he's contemplating something. "I'm going to Stanford Mary."

"Wow."

"I know."

Genuinely I smile at him, "I'm really happy for you. I know you really wanted to go there."

"How did you know that?"

"You have that Stanford sweatshirt you wear, so I just assumed."

He nods. "Mare, I'm going to be 3,000 miles away."

"So?"

"Your dad has a point and I don't want you to have..."

"To have to what? Depend on you? Why are you letting him do this? God, you're just like them!" I yell. I can not believe what he is saying. I'm on my feet ready for a fight.

"I am not them," he insists.

"Yes you are. You're giving into them."

"Mary you're just going to end up hurt if we stay together. You'll be in England and I'll be in California. In the best case scenario you'll be here, but I still don't want to hurt you. Either way you're going to be hurt."

I groan, "You're not thinking straight right now. Alex Ryderstan would not say this. I mean you were the one that pushed this. You were the one that made me fall in love."

"I was the one that made you fall in love? What about you Mary? This isn't just my fault."

"Maybe it isn't, but if you hadn't kissed me that day then we never would have been in this situation! You screwed us all up. I was perfectly content being Mary Dugrey."

"Right you were content. That's all you were, you weren't happy."

"What does happiness have to do with anything? I'm no more happy than I was five months ago. In fact, you've only made it worse."

"You don't mean that," he says.

"Oh but I do."

With that I walk out of the room I had become so comfortable in. The room that I had actually become myself in. And the room that I realized everything was a lie.


	11. Gotta Get Up From Here

Hey! Thanks for all the great reviews last chapter. Now I hate to say this, but there is only going to be one more chapter after this. Frankly I think we all think (at least I hope you do), that life has dealt Mary Dugrey an unfair hand and it just all needs to stop. Anyway here is the next chapter. It's a little longer the past couple and hopefully you will all enjoy this new chapter. Thanks and remember keep reviewing! -Lauren (manydreams1216) --------------------------- "Miss Dugrey. Miss Dugrey? It's 7:30, you must get ready for school," Tina, the maid suggests. She taps me lightly on the shoulder.

Groaning I say, "I'm not getting up."

"You must, Miss Dugrey."

"Stop calling me that! The name's Mary and I am not a Dugrey!" I turn my face away from her and bury my face into the pillow.

There's no way I could go to school today. No possible way. I can't face them, let alone him. No. I couldn't.

After yesterday afternoon, I went home, forcing all my tears to the back of my eyes. I refused to listen to Mom and Dad scold me, so I shut myself inside my room and let it all fall down. I threw some CDs and books on the floor to let a little frustration out and punched the wall. I actually hurt myself more than I hurt the wall, but it felt good, to a certain extent.

Why did he have to say that? Why did he have to break up with me? That's what he did. He told me that I would end up hurt. Well let me you, I'm not hurt. I'm pissed off! After all we have been through, he thinks that 3,000 miles will be too hard. It would be hard, but we would get over it. It's not that far.

Oh who am I kidding? It would be hard. And honestly, I don't want to hold him back from fully experiencing college and everything. But why couldn't he just let us be together for a little while. Why didn't we talk about it before? This is just too damn confusing. I can't to school. I won't be able to look at him, be around him. The thought makes me all shivery.

The thing that gets me about this, is that we never even had a chance to be something. We were just sleeping together. I know the feelings and the sentiments were there the whole time, but we never actually got to share them. We never even dated. We never got to do the cute stuff, the holding hands, the hugs and kisses in the hallways. We didn't get to do anything normal. Normal shouldn't even exist in describing me and my screwed up way of living. Nothing is normal.

Mom and Dad didn't even try to deal with me this morning. I went downstairs, had a glass of orange juice, then went back up to my room and cried a little more. I think they were both in the living room, Mom reading and Dad watching TV. I don't know. They just didn't say anything and I didn't even acknowledge they were there. They didn't even try and get me to go to school. I must look absolutely hideous for them not to force me to keep up the regular appearances.

It must have been around two o'clock when someone actually knocked on my door. I had given up all contact with the outside world. Alex had called me every hour like clock work in between class periods and after looking at the caller ID, I decided against picking up the phone.

"Go away," I shout back at the door.

"Mary. Open this door up." It's Mom. Of course it would be her.

"No!"

She keeps trying. "If you don't open this door, I'll get someone to do it for me."

"Fine, but I'm not talking to you."

After a moment she says, "We are only trying to do what's best for you."

God why does she have to say that? She's only going to be starting a fight I know she doesn't want. Give up all ready!

"You should have tried that ten years ago!"

"Mary can't we just talk about this. You're my daughter and we should be able to work this out."

I do not want to continue having this conversation through the door, so I get up off my bed and make my way over to the doorway. I open up the door and reply, "Only biologically and well legally that can fixed."

She shakes her head, "You don't mean that."

"Oh yes I do."

"Mary let me come in and we can talk about this okay?"

"No I don't want to talk about this. Just go away!" I plead.

"I'm not going away. I'm your mother and we are going to deal with this. Whatever is bothering you we need to talk about it. You obviously have some issues bottled up and there is no time like the present to work them out. I can tell that it's not just Grandma Emily's funeral you're upset about. There's something else that's bothering you and my hunch is that it has to do with that Ryderstan kid." Right on the nail.

I shake my head, "Don't you think it's a little late for you to try and have a heart to heart with me? We tried it the last time and it didn't work because you ended up siding with Dad about Alex."

"I did it for your own good Mary. I don't want you to make the same mistakes that I did," she reasons.

"And what mistakes are those?"

She looks away from me in thought. "Mary–"

"Was it the time when you had an affair behind Dad's back? Or was it the countless times you ignored me? Tell me," I insist. I don't necessarily know why I am being so mean to her. I'm just so frustrated with her and everyone else and unfortunately she has to be the one to bear the brunt of it. The sad part is that both of us think she deserves it.

She doesn't look me. Her blue eyes focus down the hallway on something that seems to have her attention. I know she just doesn't want to address what's in front of her.

We stand there for a few a moments and don't say anything.

I give in before she does. "Mom, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that."

Her blue eyes look at me. Tears are welling up inside of them and before they have a chance to escape she wipes them away. "No, you should have. I know I'm not the best person and it's horrible when your own daughter doesn't even realize that. Growing up, I idolized my mother. Maybe I didn't want to end up exactly like her, but there were no faults in her that weren't lovable. However in my case, there are things that can definitely be hated.

"Mary, I don't want you to hate me. But considering the things I've done there is no reason why you shouldn't hate me. The fact that you feel neglected and that I cheated on your father all those years ago make me a horrible person and I know it. Maybe I just want there to be a little bit of hope that maybe I can become a good person again. I love you and Tristan so much, but over the years I've lost the ability to show it. Maybe I never showed it to you in the first place."

"I don't hate you," I say softly.

"You don't?" she asks hopefully.

I straighten up my posture and explain. "Mom I just don't like how we do these circles. One minute say you are going to be honest with me and the next you're not. And it's like we keep having the same conversation over and over again. I can't do it anymore. I don't want my hopes to get up and then for you to ruin them. My life is already enough of a roller coaster and I don't want or need anymore of that. It was easier when you were just never there. I know that sounds really bad, but I knew I couldn't count on you and then when you tell me I can count on you, you don't follow through and that hurts even more."

"I know and I don't mean to."

"Then how come you do it? Why?"

Impatiently she replies, "Because I can't have you end up with that Ryderstan kid!"

Sadly I say, "Well that's not going to happen anyway." I turn away from her and collapse on my bed. I was doing well there for a moment. Not thinking about him.

I hear her footsteps against the hardwood floor. She sits on the bed, next to me. My head is turned away from her. I don't want to let her know that her wish has come true. It's not really her wish, it's really everyone else's wish, which includes her.

"What happened?"

"Nothing. We're not together anymore," I state plainly. As much as I don't want to admit to her, I don't want to admit it to myself.

She sighs, "It's for the best Mary."

Now this kind of pisses me off. I sit up and yell, "How can you say that? Maybe it wouldn't exactly work out, but he has been the best thing in my life for the past four months! He's been the one to hold me when I cried after I heard you and Dad yell and scream at each other all the time. He heard about all my problems and he was the only one that listened! How can you possible say that about him? You don't even know him!"

"You said it yourself. It wouldn't work out, Mary. You know it, I know it, your father knows it, and thankfully Alex does to. You're better off without him."

"No I'm not. Don't you understand that? I had no feeling before him. I was this empty soul without any passion or anything. He made me feel something I've never felt before. Now that he's gone I don't feel anything."

For some reason she wraps her arms around me. I try to push her away but she just stays strong. I can't resist any longer and after she feels me give in she says, "It'll be alright Mary. It will be alright."

"That's just it though. It will just be alright. Nothing will be great again," I utter through tears.

"It'll happen again Mary. It takes time. We all just need to grow up a little more. I didn't realize what love was until I met Tristan again. Sometimes we are just too immature to handle the reality of the world."

"Mom?"

I move my head off of her shoulder and look at her in the eyes. "Yes?"

"Do you think we can move to be with Dad?"

"You mean you want to live in Washington?"

I place my head back on her shoulder, "Yes." I sniffle.

"Okay."

She doesn't say anything more and I don't really expect her to. She just holds me in her arms and she taught me something.

At one moment, at one time and place, a certain thing can seem absolutely horrible, like it's the worst thing in the world and it is. It is absolutely horrible, but there is the next moment, the day. We both know that running away from things isn't the greatest thing to do, but sometimes you have to. You have to get away from the things that remind you. You have to grow up.

A few weeks later, after I was enrolled in the best private school in D.C., Franklin Academy, and my parents had found a house on the outskirts that they liked, we started packing up. We still have to keep this house in order to maintain citizenship and for Dad to keep his day job. But I still have to move the majority of my stuff. You don't realize how much stuff you have until you have to put it all in boxes.

I went back to school for the last couple of weeks in February. It was hard, going back through those hallways, but I knew that I wouldn't have to go through them any longer, so I just kept to myself. I still ate lunch with my same friends, but I didn't participate in the social scene. I basically just kept up a good front. I was almost like a cardboard box: sturdy, but empty inside. Hannah noticed, but she just attributed it to the idea that my parents were forcing me to leave Hartford and the ironic part is, that I was the one that asked them.

Before, when they had asked me to move, I was appalled by the idea. But after all the incidents and all the fights, I realized I couldn't be in this city anymore. I couldn't be surrounded by all the things that reminded me of him and everything I went through. I realized I couldn't stand that blue, plaid uniform and all the falsity that surrounded me. Honestly, I just had to get away.

I've been a coward in a lot of instances, but for some reasons that word doesn't fit what I'm doing. I am running away, but I need to. A coward is someone that's running away for the wrong reasons. They can't face reality anymore. With me, I'm facing reality. I can't be in that bubble anymore. I don't want all that attention for nothing. I know I'll be in a city where everyone will know who my father is, but there won't be that same Dugrey reputation that is so famous throughout Hartford. No one will know about the past. And if they do, it won't be the same. It'll be different and that's what I like.

I still remember the day. The day when Alex and I's relationship was escalated to another level. For a month we had just fooled around. Nothing past kissing or fondling and that was tame, even if the kissing wasn't.

We were in his room doing the usual on a Friday night. It always seemed like when he kissed me it was more than a kiss, but we both never said anything. We were too afraid of the repercussions.

Joe thought I was at Hannah's house. Hannah thought I was at my parents and my parents thought I was at Hannah's. Actually come to think of it, I just told Tina. At that point in time, my parents didn't really care.

Anyway we were kissing on his bed and he pulled away for a moment and looked at me with those dark eyes. He didn't even have to say anything. I knew what he wanted. I had been debating the possibility of sex with Alex Ryderstan for the past two weeks and frankly I knew I had to do it sooner or later and the scary thing was, that I wanted to do it. He was right when he said that I would want it. I only nodded and then he slowly began unpeeling my clothes.

My hands had focused on his chest and I found out how hard it was to take buttons off a man's shirt in the middle of the moment. The shirt had come off eventually and my hands had began traveling down his hard, toned chest and back. I couldn't get enough of his physique and well plainly him. He wasn't fumbling, but I could tell that he was slightly nervous.

I knew he had been with countless girls before, but I know that I affected him in a certain way he had never known. I was uncharted terrain and along the lines he had developed something for me. At that time, he would never admit, but there was something there. His touch wasn't urgent. It was soft and definite. He knew exactly what to do. And along the lines of our agreement he didn't say any sweet nothings. He was silent, as was I. The only thing you could hear was the moans and the occasional exclamation of eachother's names, when the moans and groans weren't enough.

Having sex for the first time wasn't like I thought it would be. After the deal that Alex and I had made, I had a feeling he would be my first, but it was different. It lasted longer than I thought it would. I'm not just saying that Alex was good or anything. I didn't have anything to compare it too, but it felt good. Of course it hurt a little, but after I got use to the feeling it was great. I'm glad it was with him. Now I know that I shared it with someone who would appreciate it.

What Alex and I had was good. It wasn't ideal, but the relationship did what it was suppose to do. Nothing more, nothing less.

I miss him. I miss the way he would hold me, kiss me and all the other little things. I don't know what else to classify it as, but I miss it. I would give anything to have it back, but we both know that it wouldn't work. There are too many obstacles that would come between us. He knows that I don't want the on and off relationship that only occurs when he's home and I know he doesn't want that either. Most of all, I just don't want to hold him back. He can do so much and he doesn't need me.

Those last few weeks he would give me those long glances in the hallways and at the meeting when I resigned from my position as junior class president he gave me a sad smile and handed over the title to the current vice president.

On my last Friday at school I got a lot of hugs from people telling me to keep in touch and saying that they will miss me. I know half of them mean it and the other half don't, but I guess it's the thought that counts. Hannah came over and we are in the process of saying goodbye.

She's been the one person that's been there for the past year and a half. She's the one person next to Alex that I connected with. She may have her stupid moments, but that's the part of what I love about her. She spontaneous and just makes me see things in a totally different way.

"Mary, what are you going to do without me? I mean who's going to be the one to take you to all the parties and introduce to cute boys? Come on, before you met me your nose was stuck in a book all the time!" she teases.

"No it wasn't! I went out once in awhile."

"Yeah, once in awhile. Girl, you need to get out more!"

I throw my arms around her, "Hannah I'm going to miss you."

"I know you will, but you'll be back here and there. It's not like you're falling off the face of the earth or something."

Under my breath I say, "I want to."

"Hey! Don't say that. You'll be fine. You just need to get away from all this Chilton, Hartford crap. This place sucks and believe me if I could I would leave too."

I laugh a little. "I know you would."

"Yep. I would. Oh Mary, what am I going to do without you? Who is going to be the one to make sure I get home okay and that my shirt doesn't come off all the time?"

"I'm afraid you are going to have to learn to do that for yourself sweetie." I ruffle her hair, playfully.

She pouts, "Mary, I'm missing you already."

Then she perks up, "Aren't you going to come out tonight? Mike is having a party tonight and you can see everyone again before you leave. Come on, please."

"I don't think so. My flight leaves tomorrow at one, so I have to be at the airport at 11."

"Mary please, this will be the last thing I ask of you. Please come to the party?"

I look at her pleading eyes. Why am I such a good friend? "Fine, I'll go." She claps her hands together. I hold my hand up for her to stop, "Under one condition. I have to be home by one and I'm bringing my own car, that way I don't have to be stranded there."

"That's all you want? I thought you were going to ask me to stay sober or something."

I laugh. "Now Hannah I think we both know that that's impossible."

She laughs too. "You're right. Isn't that sad? I'm seventeen and I'm already an alcoholic."

"You're not an alcoholic, you just like to drink. Sometimes a little too much, but most of the time you're okay."

"Thanks Mary. Don't you ever feel like all the parties and everything just get mixed together and it's all one big blur? I can hardly remember anything from this year," she says almost sadly.

"Hannah, I always thought we said no regrets."

"I know, but I can't help but feel regretful. I mean don't you have things that you regret?"

"You have no idea, but I've come to the realization that you just have to accept them and move on. We can't fix them so we might as well not pine over them and wish we could fix them."

"You're right. I wish I was as smart as you."

"You are. You just don't show it."

She hits me on my arm.

"Ouch, that hurt!" I rub my upper arm.

"No it didn't you big baby."

"Okay maybe it didn't. Anyway, so if we are going to this party tonight, I have absolutely nothing to wear because all my stuff is packed up, which means that I need to raid your closet."

She jumps up off my bed. "Mary! Can I dress you?" she asks excited.

I roll my eyes. "Do you know what happened the last time you did that?"

She remembers the memory. "Oh. Well I won't do that I promise."

"No leather?"

"No leather."

I smile. "Okay."

"Let's go get ready."

"Hannah, it's 7 o'clock."

"Well the party starts at 9 and believe that is not enough time."

"Two hours?" my brow furrows at that amount of time of getting ready.

"Duh Mary. We have to do the hair, the nails, the makeup, not to forget the clothes. Come on," she grabs my hand.

As she pulls me down the stairs I say, "Wait a second Hannah. I have to ask my mom first if it's okay. I'm sure she'll say yes I just want to make sure that she's okay with it."

"Okay just be back quick."

"I will."

I make my way to where Mom's study is and I find her at the computer typing something. I thought she quit her job at the times.

"Mom?"

She looks at me through her reading glasses, "Hi Mary. What's up?"

"Hi. Can I go out tonight?"

"Who are you going with?"

"Hannah. I told her that I have to be home by one and I'm taking my own car, so I don't have to worry about her having to drive me."

"You can go. Just be careful okay?"

"I will be." I walk over to her and give her a hug. "I love you Mom."

"I love you too."

"See you later."

"Bye."

Two and half hours later, I walk into Mike's party with a jean miniskirt on with a silky, black halter top and black ballet shoes. My brown hair is in a ponytail and I have silver hoop earrings on. Hannah does have quite the wardrobe and she is where I go for all my "party" clothes. She did my makeup, but I made sure that it was soft. The one thing she insisted upon was the smoky eyes. I let her do it. Hey it's my last night and frankly I don't really care what these people think. Okay maybe that's a lie, but it is my last night and I am going to make the most of it. Besides all the other girls wear eye makeup like this, so maybe I should try it. It can't do anything.

All the familiar faces are here. It's like any other Chilton party. Maybe that's what I like about it. Although my track record has never been good at Chilton parties, but what are you going to do?

I see Joe with some girl all over him that he'll most likely fuck before the night is over. Honestly, I can't really blame him. I wasn't the greatest girlfriend, but then again he wasn't the greatest boyfriend.

About fifteen minutes later after getting a drink of something, which is never a good thing, I notice some of Alex's group walk door. Of course, being faced with the possibility of seeing Alex I immediately turn the other way.

I find myself outside on the patio. That's never exactly a good place to be because this is where all the pot smokers go, but it's the place I know I'll be safe from him.

"I thought I'd find you out here," someone says into my ear. The voice is definitely familiar and I definitely thought wrong about being outside.

"Hi Alex." My voice sounds incredibly weak and it's a little high. I keep my eyes away from him, but I really want to look at him, but I can't.

"The sky's really beautiful tonight."

I look up at his observation and comment, "You can see the stars." The small lights are in the dark blue sky and illuminate it. He's right. It really is beautiful.

"Yeah you can."

We both stay silent for a moment and look at the sky. Out of the corner of my eye I can see him looking at me. Immediately I turn away from his gaze.

"Mary you didn't return any of my calls."

I huff. "Did you expect me to?" I look at him.

"Not really. I just hoped you would." His eyes bear into me. He has that look that makes me go weak.

I can't stand it anymore so I just look away from him.

"Look at me Mary."

"No."

He grabs my shoulders and forces me to look at him. "Mary I did what I had to do. I don't want you to hate me."

"Why does everyone think that I hate them?" I ask myself aloud. After I gather my thoughts I reply, "I don't hate you. I just wish that things were different."

"So do I. But they're not Mary and unfortunately we have to face the reality and if that means we can't be together, then that's the way it is." He's silent then continues, "I love you, I just want you to know that."

After placing a small kiss on my forehead he walks away from me. I don't think he hears my response.

"I love you too."


	12. You And Me

Well, this is it. The last chapter of _Mary Dugrey_ and all I have to do is say thank you. I want to thank everyone who ever reviewed and those ones that were loyal, you are absolutely amazing! All of you kept me writing this. I know this last chapter took me a while to get out, but I had started writing it one way, but it just didn't feel right, so I changed it. Well thanks for sticking with this off the wall story. Thanks again for all of your support and I hope you all are happy with the ending. Let me know what you think...

Thanks again,

Lauren (manydreams1216)

We moved to D.C. We were happy. At Franklin, I did all the right things. I didn't date anyone and even though that got questioned a lot, it was good. It sounds incredibly cheesy, but it gave me time to find myself.

Franklin wasn't the only place I was able to do that. College allowed me to continue what I had started. Just so you know, I didn't go to NYU. I went to Georgetown, not that that's a bad second, but it wasn't my first choice. Dad didn't feel comfortable with me going all the way to the big city by myself and I wanted to continue the good relationship with them that we had started after we moved from Hartford.

As much as it pains me to say it, I actually value their opinion now. Before I was just begging for their attention, whether the activity was good or bad. It didn't take a week for Mom, Dad and I to get to where we are today. It took not months, but years. Finally we are able to be on the same level and it's real this time. I can actually talk to them. We discussed the whole Alex Ryderstan thing and they know that we really had something and if I could do it all over again I would change it for the better.

But I'm satisfied. Like I said earlier, the whole relationship with Alex did what it was suppose to. It basically was a path that I had to cross in order to become who I am. I accept that and even though I know there will always be something there, I have to close that part of my life out.

And right now I am twenty-seven years old with a promising career and hopefully one day I'll find that one love that makes everything in the world fall away.

After I graduated from Georgetown with a degree in medicine, I went to UCSF and received my doctorate in pediatrics. I know it's not exactly what I expected to do, but a class I took in college made me change my tentative major of political science to a premed track. I realized that I love kids and perhaps the best thing I can do is to help them. So after graduating from UCSF's medical program I got a job at a hospital in downtown San Francisco and even though it's extremely challenging and time consuming, I love it.

There's a lot of pressure. Most of it's completely and totally true. From my colleagues and patients it's welcome and utterly understandable. The kind of pressure and attention that I don't exactly like is the one from the press. On my first day they were all outside the hospital, asking questions and being nosy.

Hey, I know I am the president's daughter and everything, but there are lines and frankly they are not well-respected. That's right my father became President. After six years of being assemblyman and becoming very popular, his advisors said it was an opportune moment for him to run for President. Mom and I both didn't exactly know what to expect. I was a junior at Georgetown, living in almost relative obscurity and then all of sudden after Dad won the primaries our faces were all over the place. Summer came and I was thrown into the press circuit. Next thing I knew, I was being recognized everywhere and people started acting different. It was really bizarre.

Then he had to win. I was really proud of him. Since Dad was born he was destined to take over Dugrey Enterprises and for the longest time he thought that would be the only way to gain his parents' approval. But when he won the presidency of the United States, Grandpa and Grandma finally gave Tristan the parental attention he's craved since he was a kid. I think they actually said they were proud of him.

In retrospect, I guess you can say that my relationship with my parents is a lot like Dad's relationship with his parents. We both did some things to get them to notice us and it didn't work, but there comes a point, when your parents have to be proud of you, in at least some shape or form. I am like him and for once I actually find that a good thing. We're stubborn and that's our only good quality.

Mom's happy too. She has this twinkle in her eye, that I've never seen in her before. She says it's because she's proud of Dad and stuff. But it's more than that. I can tell that she's happy and she's completely fallen in love with Dad again. I know that this might sound self-centered or something, but I think that Rory and Tristan fell in love all over again because of me. After so many years of being together, I think I allowed them to find some common ground or something. All I know is that they have been completely infatuated with each other after our first year in D.C. Maybe it was escaping the Hartford bubble or something. I don't know, it's just that whatever it is I am glad that it happened.

Still the only thing I want to do is find that.

In the middle of the crazy schedule that I have now, I find solace in the fact that I am doing something with my life that I love. I wouldn't change it for the world. I may be single, but honestly that's not something I dwell. Of course I want a meaningful relationship, but right now it's not a top priority.

There's a hospital benefit tonight. All the residents were invited and considering I didn't have anything better to do, I thought what the heck, why not? It's a good excuse to get all dressed up. It's black tie, so we all have to dress up. Mom came to visit to me and we went shopping in Union Square and I found a really beautiful blue dress. It has this silky feel that hugs my body. It makes me feel like I'm out of a fashion magazine, but that's not always a bad thing. This is a huge thing and supposedly everyone in town is going to be there.

One of the other pediatricians, Kelly, is going to be my date. Ever since I've moved here, she's showed me the ropes. She reminds me a lot of Hannah, except she isn't exactly the society girl. She got through college and medical school on full ride scholarships and she is perhaps one of the smartest people I know.

The limo takes us there and here we are. It's at the Fairmont hotel, which has a huge ballroom. The marble entrance way can only be described in one word, grand. It almost makes you feel like a princess. There are some reporters here and unfortunately they recognize me. I pretend to not hear the shouts of "Miss Dugrey!" I understand there is a responsibility associated with the first daughter, but tonight I am not the daughter of Tristan Dugrey. I am Dr. Mary Dugrey, who is just trying to help raise money for the hospital programs.

"Oh my God. This is huge," Kelly comments.

"I know. There are so many people here. I think the mayor might be here. That would be really cool to talk to him."

She gives me a look. "What?" I say.

"Mary, your dad is the freaking president of the United States and you think it would be cool to talk to the mayor of measly San Francisco?"

"Well yeah."

"You scare me sometimes."

I laugh. We go up to the bar and get some drinks. Champagne for me and a glass of red wine for her. We go explore for a little bit and then make our way over to our table assignments. There's going to be speeches during dinner, followed by a silent auction until 12. There's also dancing.

"Okay Mary, we are going to have a little contest," Kelly announces. She doesn't really think to run her genius idea by me, but what can I do?

"What kind of contest?"

"A dancing contest." I shoot her a disbelieving look. "No, we are not going to have a dance breaking contest. Between the two of us, we are going to see who gets the most male specimens to dance with them. Whoever wins, treats the other to dinner next week."

She does have interesting ideas and considering it's something I will probably never have the opportunity to do this sort of thing again I agree.

"Okay, but just so you know, you can't ask them, they have to ask you."

"No problem," I reply confidently. "You're on."

And like good sportsmen, or sportswomen we shake hands. After dinner, we start the competition.

An hour in, I'm still trying to find someone to dance with and Kelly is already on number three. How does she do that? I mean I'm attractive, right? That might sound a little egotistical. Well anyway...I decide to make my way over to the silent auction. There should be a good candidate over there.

Standing over Giants tickets with the opportunity to actually meet the players, sounds enticing, I feel someone hovering over me.

"Baseball fan?" a deep voice asks.

"Yeah," I respond. "Although I must admit, I'm more of Yankees fan."

"Over the Red Sox?"

I nod and turn to him. "Of course."

"And to think I was going to ask you to dance," he comments.

"Are you really going to let a baseball rivalry, distract you from your original purpose?"

He smiles. He's attractive. "No. Would you like to dance?"

"I would, but–"

He cuts me off, "But what exactly?"

Playfully I respond, "What I was going to say was, is that I don't know your name."

He smirks at me and then taking my hand, he leads me to the dance floor. After about a minute, he leans his mouth towards my ear and whispers, "My name is Jake Kyle."

"I'm Mary Dugrey." I smile.

"It's nice to meet you Mary."

"It's nice to meet you Jake."

After another moment, he looks at me and asks, "What do you do Mary?"

"I am a pediatrician at the hospital."

"Really?"

"Yep. And what about you Jake? What do you do?"

"I'm a lawyer," he responds confidently.

"What type of law do you practice Mr. Kyle?"

"Corporate law. Nothing too interesting." He is such the typical guy. I don't know if I like that about him or if it makes me not like him. He's trying to charm me and I find it oh so entertaining.

I decide to play a few games with him. "And what is a corporate lawyer like yourself doing here at a hospital benefit?"

"I like to donate money to worthy causes and this hospital is a worthy cause, especially if talented doctors like yourself are working there."

"Aren't you a charmer?"

He laughs. "And Miss Dugrey, aren't you a seductress?"

"Me, no!" I feign innocence.

Jake smiles. He does have a very attractive smile.

In the middle of our little interlude, the song ends and another woman comes up and dances with him. I let him go. It was nice while it lasted.

I make my way over to the bar and get another glass of champagne. I think I'm on my third. I should stop soon before I do anything that I might regret. I don't do this very often so why not indulge myself. Besides this is the best champagne I've ever tasted.

I better find Kelly. I wonder what her count is up to.

Looking around, I spot her, talking to our supervisor. I hope she's not trying to get a few extra shifts. No matter what that girl does on her time off, she still is always looking for that next opportunity.

I don't notice where I'm walking or who I'm walking into and I bump into someone. My champagne spills all over the floor.

"Shoot!" I exclaim.

"It's fine, it's just champagne," the gentleman says. That voice is oddly familiar. Do I know this person?

"I'm so sorry for bumping into you, I didn't get any on you did I?" I ask.

"Nope."

I'm trying to pick up the pieces on the floor when the man says, "Don't worry about it. Someone will come and pick it up."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm positive." I see his hand wave up to one of the servers.

He takes my elbow in his hand and helps me off the floor. "Thank you."

"No problem."

I look at him. It can't be him. No. That's not possible. "Alex?"

His eyes glide over me, "Mary? Oh my god, what are you doing here?"

"I work at the hospital. What are you doing here?" I repeat his previous question.

"I am on the board. I didn't know you were here."

"I didn't know you were here," I repeat again. I have a bad habit of that.

He keeps looking at me. I don't know why he's doing that. It's me. It's starting to make me uncomfortable.

"Don't look at me like that," I say softly. My eyes direct themselves toward the ground.

"Why?"

I look up at him. "Because you are making me uncomfortable."

"I always did a good job of that."

"Yes, you did," I affirm.

Another moment of nothing. It's him just looking at me. Then it seems a thought crosses him. "Mary will you dance with me?"

"Sure."

Alex takes my hand and leads me toward the dance floor that I had occupied a few just a few minutes earlier. His hand makes its way to the small of my back and we are the closest we have been in ten years. Wow that's a really long time ago. It's hard to believe that he's right here, dancing with me. Never thought that would happen. To be honest, I never thought I would see him again. And if I did, it would just one of those moments when you congratulate the other on moving on and living a happy life. You know something out of _Splendor in the Grass_. A satisfying closure, knowing that you could move on.

"Mary?"

"Yeah?"

I feel his chest rise as he takes a deep breath. "Do you want to go for a walk?"

"In the middle of San Francisco at night?"

"Please?"

At that I can't really say no. He always had a way of making me do things, that I wouldn't normally do. A lot of things I have done recently in my life are attributed to his adventurous nature.

We enter the brisk February air. I don't have a watch, but I can only assume it's after 11 o'clock. We don't really have a direction, we just walk and don't talk. There are so many questions I want to ask him. What he's been doing, how college was, what he does for a living, and most importantly is he over me. I know that sounds self-centered, but I want to know what he feels about me. It's important. It will give me complete closure. The kind when I can just move on and not have the occasional thought of Alex Ryderstan in my mind.

"I don't want you to take this a certain way Mary, but I missed you," Alex says snapping the silence between us.

"I missed you, too," I reply, surprisingly to myself. I didn't exactly expect those words to come out. What else was I suppose to say?

Changing the subject he asks, "What do you do at the hospital?"

"I'm a pediatrician believe it or not. In college I had this sudden epiphany to work with kids and a great way to do that is through medicine. Don't ask me how, but it just happened. Almost like a gut instinct, you know?"

"Yeah, I know."

"What are you doing for a living?"

"I ending up taking over the family business," he states almost sadly.

"In San Francisco?"

He looks at me, "The west coast headquarters are in San Francisco, so I took that over. My dad still oversees the east coast operations, but mainly I deal with it all."

"Sounds exciting," I say sarcastically.

"It is." He didn't notice the sarcasm. "I find it satisfying I guess. You obviously love your job."

"How can you tell?"

"Your face. You have a glow about you, that you never had before."

"Thanks," I smile.

"Your welcome," he pauses. "I like this new you."

I laugh a little. "It's not new. I just didn't know how to be happy before."

"I always knew you had it in you," he comments.

"Well you are a big part of why I am happy. You were right about the whole me not being happy thing. I realized that I needed to just take life what is was for and not overanalyze it and see all the faults. I needed to see the positives and right now I'm doing that."

"Good."

"I've never said it before and don't expect me to say it again, but thank you."

"For what?" he questions.

"For just being there. For putting up with everything. You opened my eyes to a lot of things that I never thought of before. The reason why I'm here today is because of you so take it for what it's worth."

"I will."

"Good."

I begin rubbing my arms. It's starting to get cold. "Are you cold?" Alex notices the try to warm up action.

"A little."

"Here take my jacket." He slides out of the suit jacket and places the jacket on my shoulders. His fingers graze my bare skin and I'm all the sudden a lot colder than a few minutes ago.

"Thanks."

"How's your family? I've heard you all have moved into the White House," he observes, breaking the tension.

I laugh. "True. We have. Dad advanced his political career to the highest point that is possible. Mom and Dad are great and more in love than I've ever seen them before. It's like it was always there, but rediscovered again. I'm really happy for them," I respond with a smile on my face.

"And you are getting along with them?"

"Yep. It's like how it should have always been. How about you?"

"Oh. It's okay I guess. When I got out of college it was all about how I needed to work for the Ryderstan Corporation and now it's about how I need to settle down and have a family. Every time I go back to Hartford they always have some girl that I have to meet. It's always something."

"Yeah, I know how you feel. My parents are starting to drop hints that I should be in a serious relationship."

"So your not seeing anyone?" he asks.

"No," I say softly. "What about you?" I have no idea why I just asked that. Although I have no idea why he asked me the same question in the first place.

"No, not really."

His eyes begin to focus on mine. "What?"

He pauses before answering and puts his hands in his pants' pockets. "Mary, can I ask you out to dinner? Not as just a friends thing?"

I tear my eyes away from him, "I don't know..."

"If you are worried about the family thing, it doesn't matter anymore. I'm the head of the family business and I'm starting to pull away from the rivalry between our families."

"It's not the rivalry I'm worried about."

"Then what it is? Please, just tell me," he pleads.

I look at him, "Alex to be honest, it's weird. Never in a million years did I think that I would be standing here with you having this very candid conversation. You are my first in practically everything and the whole you and me thing it's just, for lack of a better term strange."

"I know what you mean. And if we're being honest, I never really got over you Mary. I thought I did, but this meeting makes me realize that I haven't. I don't know if you have gotten over me, but I want you to know that if it were possible I would want the whole you and me thing again."

"Alex, I'm sorry, but I am over you. I'm not sixteen anymore. I can't jump into something right now. It's just not the right time. I'm sorry."

And with that, I kiss him on the cheek, hand him his jacket and walk away.

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**Epilogue**

"Lily, what a pretty name."

"Thank you," the nervous, small girl says.

"So what is it that hurts?" I ask.

The girl points to her throat.

"Your throat?"

"Yes."

I go over to the counter and grab the light in order to get a better look. "Say 'ahh, Lily.'" The little girl obeys. I notice the redness and make the suggestion of getting her tested for strep throat. She has all the symptoms.

"Ms. Long, is it all right if I take a sample off the back of Lily's throat for strep throat?"

"Yes, of course," the mother concedes.

I simply nod and take out the correct device to retrieve the necessary cells for test. "All done, Lily." I turn to the mother, "I'm going to have the nurse check these out and I'll be back in ten minutes to tell you if she's sick or not."

"What could it be if it's not strep throat?"

"If it's not then it's simply just a sore throat, but I just want to check," I explain.

"Whatever you need to do, Dr. Dugrey. Thank you."

"It's no problem. I'll see you soon." I wave to the little girl before I head over to the nurse to do the procedure.

"Patricia, I need this tested for strep throat," I order. I'm not sure if I like being someone's boss, but it comes with the terriority.

Eight minutes later and a few files reviewed, Patricia handed me the results and I went in to tell the patient and her mother the test results.

"Ms. Long, your daughter does have strep throat, but no need to worry there is a simple antibiotic that can take care of her cold in a matter of a couple of weeks. I can write a prescription and you can go down to the pharmacy. She needs to take it twice a day, once in the morning and once at night."

"Thank you."

"No problem. If her symptoms get any worse feel free to call any time and if you have any questions about anything the door's always open."

"Okay. Say goodbye Lily."

"Bye, Dr. Dugrey." She waves her little hand and walks out of the room with her mother beyond her.

After a deep sigh and turning off the light of the patient room, I walk to my desk to begin tidying up to be ready for the weekend. One of the nurses interrupts the ritual routine, "Dr, there's someone on line one that wants to speak to you."

"Thanks, Elaine."

I sit down at my desk and press the flashing one. "This is Dr. Dugrey."

"Hi Mary."

"Hey. I didn't expect you to call," I comment.

I can feel him smiling through the phone. "Me not call my beautiful wife-to-be to ask her how her day is? I'm offended you would think that of me."

"Well while you were in some fancy country, drinking wine, and making business deals, I was busy diagnosing kids with sore throats and fevers."

"Was it that bad?"

"No. I just wanted to complain."

"Thought so. Anyway, I just wanted to check up on you. I'm leaving tomorrow morning, so I'll be home tomorrow tonight and I am going to take you out to dinner," he announces.

"Are you taking me out on a date?"

"If that's what they are calling dinner nowadays, then I guess I am."

"Good. I've been feeling slightly neglected these days and I definitely need some wining and dining." I laugh.

"I miss you," he says suddenly.

"It's only been a couple of days."

"Well it feels like weeks and I am so happy to be coming home tomorrow."

"Is Italy treating you bad, baby?" I joke.

"You're just not here to enjoy it with me."

"Well we are going there for our honeymoon so we can make it up then, okay? Anyway you only have thirty six hours till you get to see me, so I think you can hold out till then," I tease.

He sighs, "I don't know."

I laugh at his childish side. "You're a big boy."

"And only you would know," he teases.

Immediately I feel the red flushing to my face even though he's not here to see it and no one else, I still find myself extremely nervous at the innuendo.

"Stop blushing," he commands.

His voice isn't coming through the phone though and how would he know that I am blushing? I look up from my desk and see him. At first I have trouble placing my words. "Wha-what are you doing here?" I stand up.

"I got an earlier flight out and I wanted to see you."

He walks over to me and I throw my arms around him. "I missed you."

"I missed you too. I'm starting to think that week long business trips are going to become things of the past."

"Good because you are not going away anywhere, anymore," I say into his shoulder.

"You really missed me that much?"

"Yes," I admitted

"I think I missed you more though."

"I doubt it." I look at him. That face just makes me fall in love all over again with him. That's what I missed: his face, the comfortable smile and just the feeling that he gives me. His eyes use to make me feel uncomfortable, but now I'm use to that look in his eyes and I love it.

"Let's go home. I could definitely use a shower."

"You came straight here from the airport?"

"I was incredibly desperate to see you."

"I can only imagine, Alex. I can only imagine." We walked out of my office and went home.

I suppose you're wondering how it happened. How we ended up together? Well it just so happened that after I told him I couldn't be with him, he coerced me into having a cup of coffee with him, just as friends. Even though I was hesitant, I gave in. I always give in. It kind of just went from there. We were only friends for six months, nothing more. It didn't happen fast.

We basically just eased into eachother's lives. And it was anything but easy. There were a lot of things we had to work on, but we did it. My parents even accept him. That was a big thing. I wanted to make sure that we could have family get-togethers and not have tension. There isn't any now and even when Alex asked me to marry him, he asked for Dad's permission first. That meant so much to not only me, but to Tristan too. Mom thought it was adorable and it was more than anything I could have wished for.

Alex Ryderstan and I are getting married and with a smile on my face all I can think about is him and me. It's going to have its ups and downs, but all I can do is look forward to the future and hope for the best. It's him and me forever and it will stay that way.


End file.
